If you're ever hiking in the woods and get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you'll know which way space is.
What’s the name of the chemical they pump through the air at Home Depot to make you think you need 16 more items
Damn, guitar is out of tune again. Can't believe how often you have to buy a new one of these
Why didn’t the Trojan horse include a penis. Huge tactical oversight. Coulda fit way more dudes in that horse’s dick
From the platform, I catch the train conductor's eye. I smile and wink. He smiles. The train horn blows. It's obvious what's happening. He wants me to jump onto the track so he can smush me.
How can you ask me to set the printer up when you KNOW I'm having spaghetti time
America keeps trying to get me to go to her birthday party and I’m like no girl u need to go to the hospital
Car Horn Honk Scale < 1 second =This saint deserves no inconvenience. Jail for their wrong-doer! 1-2 seconds = Purely human. We all struggle, baby. 3-5 seconds = God’s wrath is present. This driver is having a terrible day. > 5 seconds = The Antichrist. The architect of all evil is a-honkin’.
Not to brag but I'm capable of looking at the extended weather forecast and holding the details in my head for up to 12 seconds
Wife: It's too hot, I simply cannot wear a bra today Me (cis-male but an ally): [gritting teeth] Then I will
[handing my credit card to the kid behind the ice cream bar] keep it open
[Wild West] What'd you say to me, pardner? *spits on the ground* Why, you ain't nothing but a
Love watching the game in New York. Strangers shouting “Oh no you don’t, big boy” every time Wemby shoots
Sheep Detectives? What's next, Ostrich Accountants? I hope not. I don't want to live in this world.
[clearly not wearing earbuds] sorry I can’t hear you I’m wearing earbuds
Once in a while, we should drink the blood of the ruling class. Not because we want to ingest the DNA that makes them successful, but because it’s important that they see us as bloodthirsty little freaks
Nothing says “don’t worry, this public bathroom is sanitary” like a dim red light
If you see THIS post it means I have died because you did not bring me 12 ice cream cones in my time of need. For shame
if you see this please bring me 12 ice cream cones immediately
They named a moving company after what I shout at the height of ecstasy
(explaining war to a conservative in a way that they might understand) bombing a country is kind of like changing their cracker barrel logo
doctor: your blood glucose is over 800 cookie monster: is that bad doctor: sir it's deadly Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie
Tonight I am making space to be grateful for all the nights I DIDN’T find a centipede in my bed