How many mini eggs do you have to eat before you meet god

Trying to figure out why all my new friends are therapists and social workers

It seems to be an elevator

Less talky more torch lighty

Are we paying taxes this year or not really

Protester in Minneapolis just before disappearing in gas: "Fuck you! Stop. Damn! I'm 70 years old and I'm fuckin' angry!"

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

War Chester Shire Sauce

Lying through my teeth at the dentist

How long does it take y'all to finish a quart of eggnog

babe is an insane name, please refer to me as big dawg

Cleaned the house because I lost the remote, only to discover it was under the dog the whole time

What I like about mens skateboarding is when sometimes you can see their little buns

You're never too old to get a DUI in mom's car

hacking furiously at the invasive bamboo that is my social media feed, knowing that the shoots of unwanted information will only return

I strongly disagree with the take that Paddington 2 is goated and I feel like the zoomers are pranking me

Make blowjobs great again

Bach, you have to stop. Your clavier is too well-tempered. Your concertos too Brandenburg. They’ll kill you

seeing how many people show up in jeffery epstein's emails makes me happy i never reply to anyone's email

Life is good when the Ween cover band DM's you to let you know they're playing a show.

Blippi gives me the chills

Fuck all of you for getting my hopes up after a very stressful week. Let me know when it does happen.

Sorry babe, Harry Nilsson stays on during sex 🎵🎶

If Rosie O'Donnell can tweet on Ambien, I can send emails on salvia.

I need beans and I need weed. Everything else is epiphenomenal

Resisting the urge to take a nap in the bathroom stall

No, I will not go to Costco sober

Can't listen to Moby Dick on tape anymore since I threw up after trying trying to fall asleep to it while drunk.