So funny watching the media try to write 2000's era Grand Theft Auto Outrage articles now that the whole country is a casino run by murderers.
Plug McSassy
@sj.gg
NYT journalist hostage negotiator (kidnapper) endorsements ≠ endorsements he/him/himbo check out my website
a "liminal space" is any place where there's no one there and the carpet looks kind of weird
i quite dislike when i am exposed to things outside the manner to which i am accustomed!
try Subway’s delicious new “Chicken (WINK!) Protein (WINK!) Fitness Wrap!”
Hello, God? I have a complaint. I do not like toenails. I would like to receive a new human body, but without toenails please.
Oh, you think it's cool to steal cars in videogames? Do you also think it's cool to steal mail? Or medicine? Or corpses? Then attach handles and wheels to the corpses and drive them around like lil scooters? Do you think it's cool to get extra points by driving your corpse scooter by a preschool?
when i first arrived in amsterdam i was like “crap! i don’t know any dutch. how am i gonna find the bus or the train?” and then the signs were like “Boos” and “Tren”
when you order olive garden salad, say “I’m actually Italian!” and they’ll add several tomatoes and 16oz of olive oil!
life pro tip place your peanut butter knife on the edge of the sink like shown so you don’t have to clean it now and so it doesn’t get peanut butter residue on the counter
i’m not afraid of that squidward fellow. he doesn’t look that strong. and besides, he’s probably just a cartoon
why’s there no word for aggressively asserting a very weak position? seeing someone in a sports car “i don’t understand people who drive such expensive cars! that’s got be AT LEAST $20,000!!”
dude, like, did you even know that Chewy. com updated their consumer Privacy Policy? are you even reading this?
“organizers expect shitloads of damage”
Philip Bump@pbump.com · 2w agoOh, well, if the car race guys think the art will be fine, that’s good enough for me.
at a LAN party, my friend asked how to use the can opener so all day, we kept giving him tips: * pull the ripcord to get it started * flip the 2nd and 5th rockers to disable the safety * get on and start peddling * remember the clutch * amber light flashes? slow down * red light? get off and RUN
Do you know how many Vampire Workers organized, fought & gave their lives to give us all a Vampire Weekend? Do you understand how many Vampire Unions were needed?
Chef Kennedy🐸🏳️🌈@kennedytcooper.bsky.social · 3w agoVampire Weekend? Must be nice! For some of us it's a Vampire Weekday. Vampire 9-to-5. Vampire Mandatory Overtime.
I'll never forget when i found out about my mom I hadn't seen my brother in 3 years. we met at a diner to talk. first thing out of his mouth "we need to talk about mom" oh no. what's wrong with mom? i thought my brother: "she doesn't like Antonio Banderas *enough*"
anybody else ever overheard a stranger say something that got permanently seared into your brain? on repeat for decades? here's mine: "If we hide the napkins and don't say anything, maybe they'll give us another eggroll!!!"
De-cluttering part of the house means to remove items from one room and cluttering up another room.
woke up. picked an eye crusty. the eye crusty was so sharp it cut my finger. cool new hazard!
D COMPLETELY stacked with sicilian, greek, turkish, indian, nepalese, thai, indonesian, FILIPINO, japanese, australian (lol), KOREAN, taiwanese, VIETNAMESE!!!… but alas i cannot survive without the holy trinity of Mexican/Venezuelan/Peruvian so G it is
Brilliant Maps@brilliantmaps.bsky.social · 12mo agoFor the rest of your life, you can only eat food from one of these regions. Which do you choose? For more maps: brilliantmaps.beehiiv.com/s...
