Tollund Man hearing our bullshit and threatening to jump back in the bog: Don't make me re-peat myself

I was today years old when I found out the four gospels are not about a calculus exam and three toilets. I always thought they were called Math You Mark, Loo, Can, John.

Oh no, the train announcer just said we have to change for rugby but I haven't brought my kit.

[job interview] interviewer: so god killed all your kids? job: that's right

Yesterday the driver of the train I was on gave us a little quiz question. Just something to get people talking. And I want more of that, please. You're a cool guy, Mark the train driver.

I hate people who are into acupuncture. Always acting holier-than-thou.

screw motivational mix i need my bangers downright delusional

When you stay at my place, you're treated like a member of the family. Your food bowl and litter tray are in the hall.

How flooded does a zoo have to be before they give up and rebrand as an aquarium

The MrBeast book might be literarily the worst thing ever

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.

why are we doomed as mortal men to wipe our ass then shit again

"No. This is something I must do alone." I nobly declare as my ever-loyal squire follows me towards the door of the toilet cubicle

sitting in the front passenger seat and pretending im driving a big american truck down the wrong side of the road, endangering the lives of many

Once had a nightmare about getting downvoted on Reddit. Fuck I need to get out of the house more

what the FUCK does "multitask in a haze of glory" mean. we're just saying anything in adverts now are we

Clearing storage on my phone by starting a thread of images I've had for longer than I can remember why

Make a band smelly, why don't ya The Dung Beatles Stink Floyd Durian Durian Green Bin Day The BO-52s Wet Dog Wet Dog Wet Dog UBFilthy Whiffy Clyro And so on and so forth

Forgive me, Father, for I have no idea what I'm doing

what the hell is this guy so desperate to get away from

Look if God wanted us to have endless free energy he would have put a giant nuclear reactor in the sky

do you think spiders use mascara to make their legs look longer

Who called it a 'Condom' and not 'Dater Protection'?

If you get bitten by a drunk guy, you can counteract it by taking a shot of their own vodka

I'm so good at gaming I can even do it with my eyes closed (10% of the time and in roughly 200 ms bursts)

*takes out my handy portable geometer, blotting out the sun and plunging the nation into inky blackness* yep, it's still planet-sized

I bet the grass is probably greener on the road less travelled. Someone should inform the council.

Please, Dr Jones was my father's name. I'm not a doctor.

[holding my wife's wedding ring as we emerge from a Tunnel of Hate in a goose-shaped paddle boat] what do you mean because of my over-reliance on meta humour and outdated sitcom tropes?

siblings or dating (i never saw it)