Nothing good has ever followed the sentence, "The escaped lunatic was last seen frolicking through the bus depot."
Homer Simpson Happy Jump
Alt: Homer Simpson Happy Jump
static.klipy.com
Icarus Q. Dumpsterfire
@pluperfectidiot.bsky.social
A wholesome weirdo that pretends to be funny. Midwest dude, MO w/ WI roots Me: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7kix7wonxqkwiyb2r3ygxw5q/feed/aaafhjzfhceki Bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7kix7wonxqkwiyb2r3ygxw5q/feed/aaafgub4e4znq
Don't stand between me and my potatoes. The last person who tried is now a cautionary tale told at dinner parties.
There should be a brief tutorial before anyone is allowed to interact with plumbing, electricity, or other humans
Me: I'm looking for a your most haunted property currently on market. I'd like 'portal to hell' but I think I could settle for an unusually angry poltergeist. Realtor: Honestly? I think you’re going to love this one. The house chose you. Which is rare. Usually it chooses someone with better credit.
*Enter the Honey Nut Cheerios bee with devilish grin, rotisserie fire glinting off his eyes* "Play it again, Toucan Sam," he cackles, turning the spit. "F-f-follow your nose," ekes out of a charred, terrified beak as the flames grow taller. cuts to announcer: "Uhh...part of a balanced breakfast!"
Nothing quite gives you the jump for the day like that first cup of "nipples hooked up to a car battery"
I could fight a raccoon behind an Arby's today, just for fun.
Happy Hump Day. Take care of yourself. Hydrate. Stretch. Wax whatever needs waxing.
The moment your head hits the pillow, your brain opens a meeting that could have been an email
I don't know about you, but I think total protonic reversal might be a nice change of pace for a little while... *me, after rewatching the original Ghostbusters*
Doze Nuts: For when you're done with Deez Nuts and you need a nap
I don’t think there’s enough rumors going around about me
Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.
Justice is cooperating the way a toddler “helps” clean the kitchen.
Present Me treats projected income like it already has a tracking number
Present Me keeps leaving notes for Future Me that just say "good luck."
Every hobby starts at "$30" and quietly evolves into "you'll also need the ceremonial equipment."
Autocorrect is the only thing in my life that can make me lose an argument with myself
Everyone's emergency is real. Unfortunately, emergencies are terrible at taking turns.
*adding another notch to my 'people who've either muted me or simply no longer care enough to interact' tally chart*
Humans are incredible at creating rules and immediately discovering why they shouldn't apply to them
Dear Bluesky, Your bells and whistles aren't helpful features. How about you give us what we actually want?
A teenager's ability to find the exact moment you are already late and ask for a ride is impressive
My phone knows my face, my location, my habits, and my entire search history. But when I drop it, it has the confidence of a Victorian orphan with a head injury.
The world runs on a shocking amount of "eh, it'll probably be fine."