missed connection: your office, 10am tuesday. we made small talk. you asked me to spit. you put your hands in my mouth. I lied about flossing
The best part of “you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?” is imagining the tiny frying pan
any sale is a back to school sale if you're [deep sigh] if you're facing away from a school
I recently started trying to keep plants alive and I didn't realize that eventually I'd have to punish the plants by hacking off the parts that were growing too well. What kind of sick hobby is this
interviewer: why should we hire you over the clearly more qualified candidates me: I can draw an ampersand freehand interviewer: holy shit
genie: you have three wishes me: can I wish for more wishes? genie: no me: I wish I could wish for more wishes genie: god dammit
another clickbait headline. just tell us the name of the damn species!!
if I had a nickelback for every time I heard a song I secretly like
*calls my AA sponsor at 3am* I need a tow sponsor: that's AAA you idiot
me: the proof is in the pudding math teacher: this is why you’re failing
oh, so a ceasefire is like when i say i’m going to stop eating cheese
Tom Cruise has starred in over 45 feature films. The guy's obsessed with movies
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[whispering to date while watching The Odyssey when Chappie first appears on the screen] I think we’re in the wrong theater
whoever rebranded dentist office music to yacht rock is a marketing genius
Must feel so good for text after you hit ctrl-x, floating in liminal space, before ctrl-v thrusts it back onto the desolate page