The longer I’m alive, the more sympathetic I feel toward individual humans and the less sympathetic I feel toward humans as a species. Or maybe it’s the other way around, hard to say.
Dustin ⛆✈︎
@chemtrail.club
To be clear, this is a pro-chemtrail account.
Reachers have discovered a shockingly simple trick to get a group of strangers to instantly bond: just make them think they’re all about to die.
Our parents never bought us video games. They felt it was important for us to realize that we could never truly escape the torment of our material reality.
My online spiritual advisor is quitting to become a cult leader, but she did offer me three months of remote cult membership free if I sign up for a subscription.
Had to go no-contact with my parents. They can’t fuckin’ stand me.
It’s a classic fish-out-of-water story. Highly distressing, thankfully short.
Sorry boss I haven't left for work yet, still waiting on a favorable wind
Pouring water on different people at the neighborhood block party to see who’s a robot.
my drowning coach says I have what it takes to go all the way to the bottom
They're not doing anything to me tomorrow
First day of prison. I walk up to the biggest guy there and perform "All That Jazz" from Chicago. Everyone cheers. The warden calls it "a triumph."
carpool home in crowded clown car. 32 clown kids huddled around kitchen table sharing one custard pie. clown wife says clown college tuition bill going to collections. cries into her endless handkerchief. balloon dog yaps. big top gang wants red clown nose back or they’ll cut off my big clown shoes.
On to tonight’s top story. They’re calling it Internet, and it’s the latest craze amongst academics, kooks, pornography enthusiasts, and defense contractors.
[Young Dustin is happily watching TaleSpin on TV. Suddenly, the picture snaps to a middle-aged man doing online tech support.] Customer: My product isn’t working. Old Dustin: I’m sorry. Can you tell me what’s wrong so I can help you troubleshoot? Customer: No. [The TV cuts back to Baloo and Kit]
Whoops, an overnight power surge interrupted the simulation. I‘m going to have to delete all of you and start over. Goodbye.
I won’t stand for it! I also won’t take it sitting down! I’m in a defiant lunge!
Thrill-seekers who ride barrels over Niagara Falls are doing reputational damage to those of us who have to commute to work in a barrel.
At the end of the semester, the professor walked in to the lecture hall with a jar, some rocks, some pebbles, and some sand. “Life is like this jar,” he said. “You’re gonna wind up with a bunch of stupid rocks and sand in it.”
[sitting in the back pew at church, hair slicked back, sunglasses, leather jacket] Yo, teach! We ain’t never gonna use transubstantiation in real life.
Young people! Do not do affected “bits” as a teenager. Otherwise, you will end up as a middle-aged person who says “sure thing” instead of “no problem” and “so long” instead of “see ya later.”
The villagers are pooling their millet and gourds to hire the Ghostbusters to extirpate the zeitgeist from their community.
I just heard about a cat who inherited ten million dollars. That’s absurd. A cat should be happy with one million dollars.
The city arborist just came by and sprayed a blaze orange “X” on my torso. I think that means they’re gonna fell me tomorrow.
“There must be a reckoning. A price must be paid.” - dramatic waiter
Your review said “extremely rude,” but I think you just meant “rude.” It was a normal amount of rudeness. Rudeness can get a lot more extreme than what you experienced.
Oh, you only got into this band after they became popular? That’s cute. I was into them before they were any good at all.
[Studying an abstract painting on the wall of a waiting room] Oh, I’ve been there