Let my tombstone read as follows: It's not that serious

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

I wish I could shazam a smell

I just passed a kidney bean. You mean a kidney stone? No.

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

Had that dream again I’m singing “happy birthday mr president” to Frosty the Snowman as a quartet with Teller, one of those robots who fell on the stairs and can’t get up, and an improvising Marlon Brandon in a muumuu and we do jazz hands so long he melts

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

No idea how I'd be able to manage the current state of the world without the help of you all paying my bills and explaining things to me. Oh wait, you don't pay my bills and I'm a grownass adult who can do or watch whatever tf I want. Anywho, happy 3yr skyversary to me!

My DMs are closed but I might be not interested in this too.

Bluesky@bsky.app · yesterday

Update: group chats can now host up to 100 members.

Live Long and Prosper sounds like an insurance company.

If it’s not bleak, it’s not chic 🫴🏼

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

I'm not a strong swimmer so I hope you don't mind me wearing arm floaties in your hot tub

I may not have hit any of the normal markers of adulthood (marriage, property, pets, children) but I have kept a comprehensive list of things I have fallen off of to date (starting with a cliff, ending with a curb), and I think that might be worth some sort of congratulations at least.

Tom Waits for a minute

Trying to write a Cha-Cha Slide type song with instructions that gets everyone to participate in my crypto scam.

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

Tim: what should we name our company Ken: how about KENTIM Tim: wait no I have a better idea

Second-guessing all my choices today about footwear and exclamation marks.

the perfect time to rob someone is when their baby starts crying in public

I know I parked like an asshole, but I didn’t want to disturb the parking lot pigeon.

a short skirt and a loooooooooong hot dog

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

Dear Mom, The other cowboys keep making fun of me for only eating the M&Ms out of the trail mix. Life sure is hard out here on the range. Love, Your littlest cowboy

Dueling printers choose photomechanicals at dawn.

Cosmic Clau@cosmicclau.bsky.social · 2d ago

Dueling rappers choose lyricals at dawn.

My throat feels like I have swallowed a bag of knives (because I have swallowed a bag of knives). Perfect light summer meal.

Find the 5 words from your birth year that perfectly describe your vibe (better yet, I'll use them all in a sentence): the CRYPTID with BACTERIAL VAGINOSIS paused her BREAKDANCE to go DUMPSTER DIVING for some GUAC

Cosmic Clau@cosmicclau.bsky.social · 4d ago

Find the 5 words from your birth year that perfectly describe your vibe: big crunch cringeworthy head rush paroxetine whizzy