Why does Amazon only deliver my embarrassing packages to the neighbors, why don’t they misdeliver the stuff that makes me look cool

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic? Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party. Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

It takes real talent to own this many water bottles and still be borderline dehydrated all the time

I'm taking a break from coffee, alcohol, and cheese, so there goes my whole personality

Referee is like my nightmare job. You have to run and people yell at you? No thanks

Who called it a bad review of the Odyssey and not a Charybdis track

Thinking of postponing the launch of my protein lettuce you guys

Stepping on a Lego and rolling around on the ground like a soccer player, but legitimately

Just popped a second ibuprofen, so yeah, I party

Based on research, I have concluded that when my toddler says ”you look so pretty, Mommy”, What she means is, “you’re not wearing leggings and I didn’t know you own real clothes”

Vacuumed up some dried lavender that spilled and it smelled pretty good, follow me for more homemaking tips

especially now I think it’s important to underscore the importance of now especially

in England, "strawberry" sounds like "robbery" and that's all you need to know about them maybe

If you love something, set if free. If it comes back that means no one else wanted it. Set it free again.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some hard truths about myself

Subway should be able to make me a little charcuterie plate

YOU: Yes I: No YOU: Stop I: Go Go Go (Oh No) YOU: Goodbye I: Hello, Hello, Hello YOU: Goodbye I: Hello, Hello, Hello - Paul McCartney, Playwright

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some hard truths about myself

an inferiority complex? you mean dilutions of grandeur?

rip jesus you would have hated la croix

I'm not saying I don't have a green thumb, I'm just saying my kids have started calling one part of the dining room "dead plant corner"

me: I'm not old also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on social media is not zero*

they probably had to name it ‘scoliosis’ because ‘s-curvy’ was taken

I asked my kid to help me convince his toddler sister to put her boots on. He was successful! Unfortunately, his trick was to tell her that I’d give her chocolate if she put her boots on. I don’t have any chocolate.

Boss: Can you work late tonight? Me: Sure, let me quickly move the webcam so you can explain to my dog why there’ll be no couch cuddles tonight Dog: Boss: Go home, you can finish it tomorrow

I’m gonna try to go to bed early this week [goes to bed even later than usual every single night]