One time back in 2007 I told a waiter that I found their peanut sauce very sataysfying and I've been banned from every restaurant in my town ever since
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
@sofarrsogud.bsky.social
Some of my posts are crafted like a sculpture from a block of wood. Others are pumped out like farts. 🇮🇪 Some nonsense https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:hd45ud24roeoli4qe7ot24e3/feed/aaaf7lua7l5cm
If I said you had a beautiful massage recliner, would you hold it against me?
Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime
Who thought it best to add to the label "refrigerate after opening" rather than "stay cool?"
mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace
*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool
there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite
Teach a man to fish and he’ll get drunk on a boat for one day. Feed a man to a fish and you’ll have a cool story for the rest of your life
Me: I leave the seat up to remind the maid to clean its underside too. Wife: WE HAVE NO MAID!
*trying to set your house on fire after you said you didn't want to go out with me* Me: Omg I'm SUCH a scorpio! Lmao Cop: just put your hands on your head and turn around
a tray of lasagna can be an apéritif nothing matters anymore
When the clock struck midnight, she fled down the palace steps, leaving behind only one black sock and camo color Croc.
ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago
Don't judge me until you've heelied a mile in my Heelys (I'm fucken rad)
Wear “bell bottom” pants? And increase the risk of swarms of ground bees flying up my pants?? No thank you!
when my imaginary friend is feeling discouraged i give them a pep talk to let them know i believe in them
God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here
THE RETURN OF MYSPACE IS PROOF THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS IMMINENT
nobody drinks problematically because of alien crop circles anymore
“because it was there” is an even better reason NOT to climb mount everest
I really thought a lot more things would be my jam at this stage.
Ran out of Febreeze so I'm filling up a spray bottle with hot dog water and hoping for the best.
“What’s a beautiful girl like you doing in a dump like this,” I ask, motioning to the entire country
When advice is too much storytelling and specific to be practical it's just me asking if I ever told you about the ants and apple fritter and pissing on that mean teacher's door, well anyway, getting donuts at night only leads to civil disobedience