Aww. The adoring gaze from your loyal dog after you get home and give him some rubbins. He just won't leave my side. I'm sure the big piece of cheese I'm eating has nothing to do with it.

The cat, caught playing with the appliances again

if Big Toothpaste doesn't believe i'm coming for the last of the tube over the next 5 months then they have another think coming

i wasted my life and now i'm wasting yours

I’m a slut for thoughtfulness

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

When life gives you demons, make demonade.

barista giving me free scones in hopes that i stop trying to get everyone to call them ‘beantender’

*saxophone slipping out of my hands like a bar of soap in the shower* Oh no, smooth jazz!!!

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they dispose of a body.

I know I parked like an asshole, but I didn’t want to disturb the parking lot pigeon.

When someone asks what you're on about, take that as a fine opportunity to sit them down and start at the very beginning. It's going to take awhile.

Sorry. *shrug* I would, but on Monday night I dance naked under the worm moon to invoke an ancient curse on anyone who asks if I can do one more thing if I have time.

The less you do, the less you feel like doing. It’s science.

When two lovebirds land on an electric fence, this is what it sounds like when doves fry.

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

Don’t judge yourself. That’s your cat’s job.

Why didn’t we call the 80s missing children on our milk “Carton Characters?”

give a man a fish and he’ll selfie with it for dating sites

Boy they sure don’t make AI like they used to.

milestone reached: after telling me my whole life that I can do better, the parents have finally accepted that I can’t yayayay

I really miss eating at Arby’s. I haven’t been brave enough to return since the embarrassing incident when I accidentally ask for Horny sauce.

your doomsday scenario or mine

Not to brag, but sometimes, if I start a movie before 5 PM, I can stay awake for the whole thing.

I’d love to go to Pamplona to participate in their event and just not bother running, to see what happens.

Nope. Can't. Feeding the two wolves inside of me. (they like nachos)

Fake it until you break it.

Morning has broken. Someone fixed it But that was yesterday.