just got my dad black belt by falling asleep to credence clearwater revival while wearing socks and sandals
your new dad
@drankturpentine.bsky.social
used cd rack, see if something catches your eye — don't steal anything: https://tinyurl.com/hn9sja65 new releases: https://tinyurl.com/drankturpentine
[slips mortician $20] Great job he looks really dead
it’s the freakin weekend, baby i’m about to stare at my phone
the first roll of armadillo fight club is into balls
hamster kids: what’s for dinner hamster mom: toilet paper roll hamster kids: yay!
me: what do you mean i can’t have eggs today wife: *holding chicken head* we’re all making sacrifices
on you first day in prison walk up to the nicest looking guard and ask if he’ll let you out
the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is the one where you take your thumb off and slide it, there’s really no topping that one
i saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madden 13
everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about because you’ve been left out of yet another group chat
darth vader driving in a convertible: *harmonica noises*
a bookshelf that leads to a secret room with another bookshelf of books i’ve actually read
Trent the turtle claims he can predict who will win the Super Bowl. This is a scam.
english teacher: are you doing good or are you doing well me: neither
told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high and then she looked at me all surprised
accidentally crashed into chappell roans car and 30 chappell roans came spilling out
[bookstore] customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is? me: you are not off to a good start
my wife’s worried we’re eating too much plastic, but i normally don’t eat more than a five gallon bucket a month
oh to be a fly on the wall in a telepod created for a matter transmission experiment
on your last day of prison go up to the smallest guy there and smuggle him out
guy who won't stop talking about how he hates taylor swift gets upset when nfl shows her during games
me, quietly: they used to call me daddy long legs in high school son: because you were tall? wife, pretending to sleep on the couch: because he used to eat bugs
date: I hate when men try to woo me ric flair: *sweating profusely*
had ai generate the perfect vampire girlfriend and honestly she sucks
my new year’s resolution to not change the oil in my car for two and a half years is still going strong
if you kill the groundhog you become the new groundhog
sauron passing out valentines to his nine closest homies