My work here is don’t.

People who say “I’ve had it up to here with you” I noticed there’s still space for more.

(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”

“Right Here Right Now” is my favorite song about being punctual.

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

judge: how do you find the defendant? me as the jury foreman: he’s usually here when we get here, your highness sir

mercutio: a plague o’ both your houses! romeo: but I only have one mercutio: no, yours and Juliet’s romeo: so the houses of both of us mercutio: I’m dying over here

[do-it-yourself store] hello? is anyone here?

juliet: wherefore art thou romeo? romeo: I’m right here juliet: no, “wherefore” means “why” romeo: so say why then

me: do you believe in miracles? her: well you're here, aren't you? me: *tearing up* oh honey, that's— her: *under breath* and I've been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority me: no it doesn’t

me: it’s not fucking “grande,” it’s medium customer: you do work here right

interviewer: so we’d need you to travel several times a month me: oh I can’t do that interviewer: but the job description says “must be willing to travel” me: I thought you meant here

customer: I’m looking for a cheese grater me: than what? customer: can I see your manager? me: I don’t work here customer: you have their shirt on me: well yes technically I’m SUPPOSED to

me: hi I’m here for the missionary position? pastor: we don’t call it that

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.

little known fact: the original phrase was “frog in a coal mine,” but nobody was sure what to do when it croaked

The older I get the more I understand why cats just walk away mid conversation.

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

I made a joke to one of my employees about something that ‘actually is a real example of irony, Alanis’ but he just looked at me blankly, so for making me feel so old and out of touch there’s someone who ironically won’t be getting a promotion any time soon.

how old were you when your parents told you Canada’s not real

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

me: you’re a real piece of work joule:

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

me: you’re my kind of people my imaginary friend: I have a boyfriend

“A real friend would be more supportive” I whined resentfully to my imaginary friend.

I’m not well liked. My friends really need to step up and do better

[Galilee AD17, around dinner time] Mary: you are not going out until your room’s tidy Jesus: aw mom, dad said I can be messy Joseph: nice try son, I said you may well be the Messiah but you can still clean your room Jesus: I hate you, you’re not even my real dad!