Fantasy Hero: Excuse me, do you have cloaks of invisibility? Magical Shopkeeper: I have no idea.

My philosophy randomly flips between nihilism and despair, and I think that's perfectly reasonable given the circumstances *gestures at world*

Everyone's dancing, but dancing is only for humans. I watch.

Nicaragua means knicker water

Within 100 feet of each other

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

1980s microwave: BING! Your food is ready! 2020s microwave: beep beep. ARE YOU LISTENING? I SAID BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER 🅱🅴🅴🅿 🅱🅴🅴🅿

My friend, you are the bee made entirely out of knees

A less horrifying version of law and order written by penis coyote

i have two dick wolfs inside me, and they are both from chicago

Family reunion this week. I brought a 2000 piece puzzle and removed 50 of them. Now we wait...

life is like a box of chocolates. Much too fucking expensive

If by "meditation" you mean sitting in silence rawdogging your intrusive thoughts, I want no part of it.

Is it too late for me to pretend I'm mysterious?

I hope this email defibrilates your cold dead heart.

might not remember how skinny feels but damn this cake tastes good

My favourite love triangles are hairy ones

It's hard to say which bird has the biggest wingspan. The condor has the biggest normally but the albatross is much more stretchy

Old man: *uploads photos to the cloud* Cloud: *deletes photos* Old man: *yells at cloud*

And I said what about breakfast at Jimothy’s?

I need a TV that can tell me if I've seen this show before and maybe also if I have food on my face

The first rule of heat pump owners club is never shut the fuck up about your heat pump

In the criminal justice system, traffic crimes involving unnecessarily large family cars are considered especially heinous. These are their stories DUNDUN *law and order SUV*

Duotang should be a drink, not a binder

ME: When looksmaxxers get arrested, do they have mogshots taken SURGEON: How are you still even awake??

Alberta: watches the total chaos and financial breakdown of the UK after brexit Alberta: that looks like a GREAT idea. Let's do that.

My dearest fellow, I have a bonnet made entirely out of bees

You are the controller for a rail junction. The train can go one of three ways. Someone is tied to the rails on one track but you don't know which. After you made your choice, you are shown one track which does NOT have someone tied to it. Should you change your decision?

You can tell how the war in Iran is going by watching gas prices: War going poorly: gas prices go up War going well: gas prices go up