(first day as a marine scientist) Me: When do we get to... Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses!

cat: ok, we’re getting out of here, I’ve got an escape plan baby: ok, I’ll tell the dog cat: no! don’t tell the dog, he’s a snitch

[after a few beers] just how thick are these thieves 😈

Them : Is bread masculine or feminine? Me: Actually it’s naan bianary

A Fiat Topolino and a wicker husband would fix me

Vibe shifted with my doctor when I said I was up to 2 packs a day. Only got worse when he found out I meant hotdogs

Had that dream again I’m singing “happy birthday mr president” to Frosty the Snowman as a quartet with Teller, one of those robots who fell on the stairs and can’t get up, and an improvising Marlon Brandon in a muumuu and we do jazz hands so long he melts

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

What the moon looks like today, courtesy of Elon and SpaceX

Let my tombstone read as follows: It's not that serious

leave my comfort zone? but “comfort” is literally right there in the name

I’m sorry for speeding officer. It was that crazy jazz music made me do it

I love ending incredibly aggressive emails with "Yours in Christ."

call me a kook but i think we should vote for people who want to make our lives demonstrably better

Before the internet we had to shout at books

Not saying I’m well-endowed but let’s just say I drink Oolong tea.

Me: *posts about microwave* Internet stranger: "wow I cant believe you hate single mothers, disabled people, neurodivergant people, the elderly, the- "

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

My blood type is cheese

You can be anything you want to be, so be annoying.

printing out your skeets and crumpling them into a ball for a three-pointer.

My work here is don’t.

People who say “I’ve had it up to here with you” I noticed there’s still space for more.

[murderer while in the middle of murdering me] did you just call timeout

I wish I could shazam a smell

I don't tell Communist jokes because MAGA may not understand them, and Communist jokes are only funny when everyone gets them.

[skulls and bones fall for a solid minute after a guest opens a closet door in my house] "And obviously, that's where I keep the skeletons."

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat it, but teach a man to fish and he will be gone for long stretches of time so you can finally get some peace!

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge