It's spring which means it's time to clear out your old ear hairs to allow for new growth.

I hope aliens are real because I'd like to try their milk.

You look like someone that'd bring a potato to an eye exam.

You are the free candy to my windowless van.

Was trying to get my 5yo to hurry up and she said "calm down, bro"

There will be times when the only thing you can do is laugh. Life will throw twists and turns at random. Laughter can get you through it.

I've always been an outsider, but I've never pressed my face against the glass hoping to be let in.

If you keep feeding the monster it will just get bigger.

I'm sorry, were you saying something? My mind wandered off without permission again.

Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile.

At my age getting your "kink on" only means I slept in an awkward position.

There's about 200 calories in a donut. If I eat 6 a day and nothing else, I'd "technically" still be on a diet.

Never regret anything you've ever tried in life. Just regret that you took pictures while doing it.

I gaze at pizza like mothers gaze at their newborn children.

Ever wonder what it feels like to be swooped up and carried about like a cat? I do. I think about it a lot.

I gave up pretending I don't care years ago. Life is too short to hide your heart.

I've finally accepted that being good enough is good enough.

If you question whether they're your friend or not? They're not.

One of my personalities is in a really good mood today.

People who expect me to remember things need to forget about thinking that.

Time moves on. People move on. But love? Love stays.

Call me crazy, but I like people who think.

Love yourself. Even harder when you're a damn mess.

I have multiple pets. There's no patience left for all this human bullshit.

The cat hooks her claw into my pants pocket or belt loop to snag me as if to ask me, "Hey, where do you think you're going, buddy?"

(forgetting the word for plunger) where are the toilet suckers

Going to a concert tonight because therapy is expensive and tinnitus is forever

I brought my feelings to the table and they were returned with edits

Insomnia has entered the chat and promoted itself to admin

You’re kinda screwed once your wattle gets wet