The pitch your electric weed whacker makes while trimming the verge works as a pedal tone all the way through the Theme From Shaft. Do with this information what you will.

Driving past the fields of Correctionville, Iowa. This must be where they grow the reply guys

(The same ones who say they're going to buy an adorable little place here and live off the land are always most astonished to find the land never agreed to that.)

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

Asking the dermatologist to drain my liberal bubble

What the moon looks like today, courtesy of Elon and SpaceX

One time back in 2007 I told a waiter that I found their peanut sauce very sataysfying and I've been banned from every restaurant in my town ever since

I think a funny SNL skit would be “mid Rachel” where there is a kid’s content creator but she’s like BAD at it. Like she sings a song about how to pronounce methamphetamine or whatetever. I got plenty more ideas in case anyone knows Lorne Michaels.

Poltergeist "they're heeeere" voice but it's me harvesting the first of way too many tomatoes.

People who say “I’ve had it up to here with you” I noticed there’s still space for more.

You can be anything you want to be, so be annoying.

I wish I could shazam a smell

Editor's note: In England, the character in Where's Waldo is known as Wally.

bacon popsicle 🕵️‍♂️@gupton68.bsky.social · 8h ago

(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

I was having a good hair day so I took the pantyhose off my head while I was robbing the 7-Eleven

I never believed in hypnosis until the day I spent 6 hours semi-consciously scrolling in a kitten/puppy pic account.

[murderer while in the middle of murdering me] did you just call timeout

me: hold the pickle hold the lettuce, special sauces don’t upset us drive thru kid: this is a wendy’s, ma’am

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat it, but teach a man to fish and he will be gone for long stretches of time so you can finally get some peace!

(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

thinking back on one of my most formative summers where we got a ouija board at the toy store and then everything in the world was extremely haunted until we went back to school

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

Aww. The adoring gaze from your loyal dog after you get home and give him some rubbins. He just won't leave my side. I'm sure the big piece of cheese I'm eating has nothing to do with it.

I relate to gravel because it's just thousands of tiny, fragmented pieces trying to hold a boundary, but the second anyone walks over it, everything shifts uncomfortably.

Let my tombstone read as follows: It's not that serious

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”

my gynecologist: you know im not your therapist me: WHAT

Gonna start commenting on my own posts "let her cook"

New @90minfilmfest.bsky.social! I spoke to screenwriter @edsolomon.bsky.social about Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (90 mins), his latest screenplay, The Christophers & how he got started in the industry 🎙️ pod.fo/e/4f0492

When you get to the end of the hallway and find an enormous pile of hotdogs