(harvey dent voice) you either fall asleep hungry, or you're awake long enough to see yourself become 72% wheat thins by volume

your posts have brought great dishonor to this family

“who let the dogs out” it was Mark Antony don’t you read Shakespeare

I don't have mood swings, I have genre shifts.

people will try to tell you salt is salt it doesn't matter where it comes from, etc. but, personally? i think sea salt is superior to assault

give a man a fish and he’ll selfie with it for dating sites

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

after doing some basic research I have concluded that the world is a vampire

margaritaville went under because they had no pina collateral

For me at least, the two things I don't want a giant robot centaur with horns to do are hold a chainsaw and stare menacingly at me through a door.

buncha cats and a jar of hot honey will get me into the back of your unmarked white van

I was in a harpsichord accident and Baroque my Bach

Driving past the fields of Correctionville, Iowa. This must be where they grow the reply guys

The best part of “you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?” is imagining the tiny frying pan

i made a bluesky diorama and you're all in it. some of you are made from popsicle sticks and the rest are buttons and twine.

Train of thought derailment.

Meeps update:

Introducing Indigo A beautiful new app for Bluesky and Mastodon and the best way to experience both social networks together. It's tough keeping up with everyone when they're split across networks but Indigo brings them together for a seamless social experience. apps.apple.com/us/app/indigo-...

Who decided to call it a “one night stand” and not a “stranger with benefits”

reminder that your all your bedsheets are potential ghosts

Lisa: How did you decide on my name, Dad? Me: It’s an homage to The Simpsons Bort: I hate you Dad

My kid must think that I watch movies with my eyes closed

roses are red, violets come in blues, out of his penis, here comes the

I'm pretty laid back unless I hear a phone ring more than once

"That's the spirit!" I exclaim as I point at the ghost in the police lineup.

riding it in a way that brings honor to my family

Choosing something to watch is almost as traumatizing as deciding what’s for dinner.