I saw deer on my walk and I was all like wow you’re cool deer and they stopped and looked like yeah you’re cool too and then ran away

Nothing binds people quite like shared laughter.:)

🎶like the circles that you find in the buttholes of your mind🎶

My cat who was homeless and on the verge of starvation when I found her refuses to eat anything but expensive salmon food and treats.

I don't mind working with people, I just don't like working with the public.

The term "poop deck" has absolutely nothing to do with shit. It comes from the French word for stern, poupe. Your poupe shitpost for the day.

Ruin a book by adding a word: The Invisible Man Bun

GoodPlaceJames@goodplacejames.bsky.social · 2w ago

Ruin a book by adding a word: - "The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter Biden."

Someone stole my ghost.

Of all the things I want to feel, number one is to simply feel okay.

She’s a ten but the last screenshot she posted showed her phone battery at 4%.

People be like, "Of course I make mistakes, I'm just human." And I'm like, "Ew."

Aww, look at that cute old couple. They're holding hands..... and probably change each other's diapers too.

I'll be spraying all my lettuce with Lysol before I eat it, just to be on the safe side.

that’s me in the corner that’s me in the spotlight, losing my religion 🎶

There’s nothing better than going to bed earlier the older you get.

Normalise wanting to escape reality.

packing stress dream: the boxes are actually full of bodies I need to hide

Not to get political but life should be easy and free

It's funny how often I operate heavy machinery, even though I have five pill bottles telling me not to

Me *avoids produce for a month to not get a tummy ache Also me *eats a corn dog wrapped in a funnel cake dipped in nacho cheese with sprinkles cuz it's the county fair, baby!

My little goth kitty wishes everyone a happy Friday.

have you ever woken up on the destructive side of the bed?

Barista: This coffee has notes of berry and carob. Customer: Got any that just tastes like coffee?

I’m so tired, even when I wake up, I’m already sick of this shit

We have two settings: 1) Silly 2) Crushed under the weight of crippling depression

One time, I thought my cat Panda died but I found out she was living with a neighbor. Two weeks later, a neighbors cat named Betty moved into my home. I don’t question the cat distribution system. That’s not for us worry about.

bought some orange juice that's meant to contain pulp but it has fuck all pulp in it and every mouthful tastes like an enraging mockery rest assured this betrayal will not soon be forgotten

A sunset sky you can't look away from

Hurling your flashlight out into the night. And your lantern, candles, a faint fuckin glow from a VCR clock. Sorry I have the cursed darkness so bad, you shout, but my fuckin fireflies love a swear jar

Well into adulthood I thought piranhas really made that buzzsaw sound from the cartoons