I had a stroke the other night. Just one. My credit card was declined right at the beginning of a handjob.

I put my hair in a bun once. It tasted fucking awful.

Part of my problem is that I accept all cookies.

Part of my problem is that I accept all cookies.

Bring over some candles bitch. We're having a seance for Spirit airlines.

Bring over some candles bitch. We're having a seance for Spirit airlines.

Our fearless leader.

What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect.

What do tight pants and the White House have in common? No ballroom.

Desperate times call for a desperate amount of zip ties.

"Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other." - 2pac

What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect.

The last time there was an attempted murder at a correspondence dinner was when Barack roasted the absolute shit out of Donald Trump.

Due to personal reasons I will keep posting

You can be nice to me it’s not even illegal

How do people watch basketball with all those sneaker noises

I want to adopt a highway and name it " My neighbor Jerry borrowed my weedwacker and never returned the goddamm thing." Memorial Highway.

oh ok there was a shooting at the WHCA dinner uh ok 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

Did you know that at the siege of Caffa, Genghis Kahn's army catapulted the corpses of his own soldiers who had died of the plague over the city walls? It was one of the first known example of germ warfare. Cashier: Why do you always have to come through my line?

[guy, waking up at the crack of dawn] Dawn. your ass is on my face again. move.

I tried helping this guy harvest mushrooms, but I stopped when I found out he was a sociopath. He had absolutely no morels.

I know what I'm about to say has already been said a bunch, but fellas it's OK to not be OK. End the macho stigma that we have to be tough and hold things in. Sometimes, being vulnerable and letting others in is the bravest things you can do. I love you, brothers.

I threw a no hitter once. Unfortunately, I was boxing.

Do you have anything that gets rid of the mouse in titmouse 🏆👑 Congratulations @destry.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social

Destry B@destry.bsky.social · 4mo ago

I gave some Prozac to a mourning dove and now it's just a dove.

women who hate men generally just hate what men have done to them whereas men who hate women mostly just hate what women won’t do for them the difference is crucial