an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

I wish I could shazam a smell

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

Let my tombstone read as follows: It's not that serious

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

Old enough to recognize this as a data center

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

Lets play hide and not seek each other.

Tim: what should we name our company Ken: how about KENTIM Tim: wait no I have a better idea

Welcome to Deeks world Everything has sexual innuendo and snacks are served often

Me: *making a phone call* why won’t they answer? Me: *receiving a phone call* why are they calling!

My company just installed new keystroke tracking software to monitor our productivity levels and protect corporate data, which is great because now someone else is finally reading my screenplay.

[ first day of vacation ] Me: let’s cause a mf ruckus My family: please, we have a family

I may or may not have gotten out of bed today simply because I remembered there is leftover pizza in the fridge

having a walk in closet means you own 100+ pairs of pants and you can fit into 7 of them

THE RETURN OF MYSPACE IS PROOF THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS IMMINENT

Why is it always 'be the change' and never 'be the large denomination bills'?

i flew too close to the sun and fucked up my jorts.

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

Sorry I called your baby a “deadbeat”

my wife and i share a single login for the local grocery store rewards program and one huge benefit of this is that it has helped me memorize her phone number

An atm that moans when you slide your card in

Like cheese sliding off a pizza is how I leave a room

They should make a candle that smells like how I feel when someone asks me a question I’ve already answered

A wicker husband would fix me.

i made a bluesky diorama and you're all in it. some of you are made from popsicle sticks and the rest are buttons and twine.

riding it in a way that brings honor to my family

is the bigger version a strawberry tallcake or a strawberry longcake

It's a shame you can't buy someone some common sense

some of the most fun you can have is calmly telling an angry man "Wow, you seem really emotional right now" lmao