If you see this, you got a really good Discount Oracle card this Friday. I mean, wow. Fortune in ALT text 🔮👇

wanna feel old? this was helen mirren in Jurassic Park (1993)

Tin Cup (1996) has some of the worst sex puns “I kinda shanked that” “can I get a mulligan” and “get on top I’ll tee it up” all of these, to be very clear, were purely sex related and happened during a single scene

so this is us, 4 cherry tomato plants in their pots they’ll grow to be 6 feet tall and each of them should produce 200+ tomatoes eventually got some basil in the dirt and started a batch of carrots too so nice to go and grab fresh stuff in the yard don’t mind the dirty pots

David@dondanger.bsky.social · 4mo ago

may not look like much right now but by the end of august that’ll be over 1k cherry tomatoes salads, snacks, sauces and salsas

🐶GRAMMAW TIME 💕

took a minute but i am very pleased to inform you all that we now have a brand new set of panels on our gazebo it’s very cool when contractors stick to their word it was all falling apart, being 15yo and all (don’t tell anyone but i was kind of hoping they’d break it)

David@dondanger.bsky.social · 3mo ago

The Roofers are here and, Dear Reader, 20 minutes in, i am pleased to announce that we will be getting a brand new gazebo for free 🫠

despite what the cook seems to think you can tell by the look on the girls’ faces that they are looking at jackie and not jerry from Panda Plan

watching: Conan the Destroyer (1984) for the umpteenth time it’s never been a particularly good movie but it aged gracefully like a bag of cheetos that’s been handled with care in a supermarket

sometimes i’m like “time to drink a bit of water” but the little angel on my shoulder is like “nah, dumbass, drink the whole glass then go to the kitchen, fill it up and drink another one” ok little angel, thanks for looking out

it’s sean connery, he’s wearing a weird suit and wielding a gun. what’s your next move?

how do i get a job being mean to people who deserve it

if i put as much effort into shitposting as i did in my work i’d be ceo by now but why would i want to do that

“exactly what sock are we talking about” the dog asked, feloniously

her (feloniously): “mind if i grab one of your fries?”

Today’s other band names: Willfully & Feloniously or Felonious Milking or Mourning Mrs. Checkley’s Milk or Running About the Cows or Evil Disposed Persons or Feloniously David (Thanks for the inspiration! Good luck w/your new solemn vow, @dondanger.bsky.social.)

David@dondanger.bsky.social · 2mo ago

i pledge to use the word “feloniously” many times moving forward what a word, why did none of you tell me about this

i pledge to use the word “feloniously” many times moving forward what a word, why did none of you tell me about this

how’s your night going?

Beemo sporting her Pride tee for Pride month 🌈

[Puts a snorkel & flippers on my horse] Water polo ref: still no

PSA

Panic at The Office

what’s your standard sandwich, in 300 characters or fewer: bread: toasted or not, any kind or thickness mayo ham: 3 slices, twisted cheddar sliced tomato w fresh cracked pepper puck of Iceberg or romaine heart yellow mustard bread cut diagonally

throwback to when Mrs D heard me going “ooooh” and she was like “are you watching porn?!” but no, i was just looking at some deep discounts on really good cuts of meat in the grocery app

little lamb@puddleofbrain.bsky.social · 2mo ago

I saw your man following the ig account of a grocery store

lil dude had a day, long walk, played ball and is now spent sweet dreams bud, please don’t wake me up at 4:30

this pm a telecom guy for the other company came to my door to offer me some deals we sat down on the front porch had a chat about what he had to offer and how all companies kind of suck it gave him a break from people slamming their doors at him and “a positive interaction” no sale but good talk

I hope you're as unbothered as this kid falling off a cliff

wait, are we saying “put all the things on both sides” or is it “make sure both sides have some of the things”? concerned about the former tbh kinda weird if people just didn’t put anything on one of the pieces too

stefan@stefanthinks.bsky.social · 2mo ago

simple way to up your sandwich game is to put the spreadable condiments (mayo, mustard, pesto, etc) on both pieces of bread

Pool day at doggy daycare: #AGoodPlace Source: www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmil...

replaced the pennies in my loafers with bitcoins and now my feet have herpes