(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

I shouldn't be made to do things.

You mean to tell me we're on a whole different month? When did that happen!?

One time back in 2007 I told a waiter that I found their peanut sauce very sataysfying and I've been banned from every restaurant in my town ever since

People wear me the fuck out

I think it’s high time that cats earn their driver’s licenses

What if i was a rock, cool and smooth Sat in a river, where nothing else matters, Except the ebb and flow of the tide

bought several decorative soaps yesterday, and I feel like a new person

Teach a man to fish and he’ll get drunk on a boat for one day. Feed a man to a fish and you’ll have a cool story for the rest of your life

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

I want a girl in a wedding dress and an orange jacket

Going to see the Odyssey today and I can’t wait to see the scene where Athena gets Tom Holland and Robert Pattinson to start making out

well, reality, maybe if you were a little nicer, everyone wouldn't be avoiding you.

Hot singles in your area find your views on pizza toppings a cause for concern.

Do you ever stop to pick up pretty rocks or has your transformation into a full-blown asshole complete?

i messed with the bull and got the horns and tbh it was nbd

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

i'm not positive or inspirational. i'm just a stack of pretty pictures in a trench coat.

At least I enjoy my own company

I love ending incredibly aggressive emails with "Yours in Christ."

leave my comfort zone? but “comfort” is literally right there in the name

[murderer while in the middle of murdering me] did you just call timeout

Enough with the Zoom calls. It was cute in 2020, but I’m tired of moving my toys out of the way.

my kid is with his dad this week so i have been in full goblin mode at home and in public

I wish I could shazam a smell

Do they even think about the people they spew hate about when they pray over their food to “bless the hands who made it”

call me a kook but i think we should vote for people who want to make our lives demonstrably better

a key part of babysitting four-year-olds is playing games with indecipherable rules

I don’t care if it was clarinet in middle school… I still tell chicks I was in a band.

Was as anyone here on Twitter in 2010. Yea? Can you remember that really funny tweet I did. All the lols, wasn't it. Like, really good.