“i’m still punk” i whisper to myself as i turn on the captions so i can hear my tv

My heart is full of love for humanity. Well, not you specifically. Sorry, I ran out just before you got here.

JOURNALIST: when will it be safe to eat lettuce again TRUMP: I don't know RABBIT WHO IS ALSO PRESENT: what the fuck do you mean you don't know

barely scratching the surface of the stack of tweet drawings, but here's another from the archive, this one based on a tweet by @unfitz.bsky.social - this made me remember when I used to draw animated characters kicking and punching each other in Animation Works in 7th grade just because I could

What's your favorite G-rated post? Something old or new, with no swears, violence, or innuendo, something the entire family can enjoy.

I miss the old days when people would just cough once then quietly pass away

It's a purely biological instinct to stare at anything and wonder if it would be fun to maybe kiss around with it a little, but also we have other needs, like are heart throb magazine walls a species worth keeping

Warning: looking directly at our carpet may cause nausea.

Melville spends 15 pages on classifying whales and then 12 on the origin of the limerick

Moby Dick@mobydickatsea.bsky.social · last wk.

A strange, apostolic whim having seized him, he had left Neskyeuna for Nantucket

I murdered the dancefloor and felt no remorse.

Then I'll get in the box the coffin comes in 🏆👑 Congratulations @johnlyon.bsky.social from @sonictyrant.bsky.social

John Lyon@johnlyon.bsky.social · 2w ago

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed. Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

Serious putty

Nobody wants to talk about the new burgeoning pandemic (men with mustaches)

The cat, caught playing with the appliances again

*brings a cute puppy to a glory hole* is this anything?

i'll straight up agree with a mf and they will still respond with "but you gotta understand" like learn to take a fucken win bro

I've been recording bird sounds and playing them back to the birds that made them. They seem impressed. Am I a bird DJ?

sending my freshly casted death mask as a response to an emergency room satisfaction survey

ME: And the winner would be the ‘Champanzee’ ZOOKEEPER: *tazing me* You’re not starting a fight club for apes here.

[email from Jen in HR] Please refrain from telling people in the office that they 'odyssey the new Christopher Nolan movie'.

JAMES HETFIELD: Sleep with one eye open CYCLOPS: Oh FFS!

You should never say genitalia unless you’re wearing a stethoscope

In my remedial math class we were told to divide ourselves into two groups and it was a clusterfuck

It had to be forbidden fruit because if it were a vegetable nobody would believe it.

His full name is Wile Entertainment Coyote

Pregaming for a day at the beach by drinking 3 cases of sunscreen.

I’m calm in a crisis, nervous on vacation, and relaxed on most elevators. But not all

farmer: my pig is sick. can he be cured ? guy working @ deli: what

Face down, ass up. I’m ready to post

It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant, because I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery