interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume? me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Patsnotatweetin
@dontbemeanto.me
Astronaut, hedgehog, and avid reader of discontinued magazines The letter W is superfluous at best and a selfish twit at worst
why is turducken acceptable but my pigcowlamb is "an affront to humanity" and "how did you get the cow in the pig"
Being short at any concert. / ᴵ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃⁿʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ (-_-)_-)_(-_(-_-)
On a scale of a "Elon Musk'e PR guy" to the "guy who marks the tablespoons on butter", how laid back are you?
on a scale of lotr the two towers and 9/11 the two towers how depraved is your meme library
friend: Our basement just flooded, we have to cancel game night. me: *covering phone* that’s a bit extreme genie: Two wishes left.
At Jonestown, 906 cultists died of drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, as well as the first officer on the scene, Jeff "Don't Mind If I Do" Ramirez.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume? me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
cop: you have no idea how he came or went? what 𝙙𝙤 you remember? me: the eyes cop: the eyes? me: the C̶̤̞̰͈͔̊͒̽̓́o̸̗̤̍tt̵̨͎̞̹̭̣ö̷̗̗̫͙̙͔̙͍n̵̽̀̈́͑̔ ̴̠̹͇͖͈͉͋̎ĕ̷̛̱̙̫̪͙̐y̵̧̱̍̇̑̕̚͝e̴̅̇͛̓̃͊̔s̷͚̰̙͐̓̇̔
*doing that thing where someone dies and i close their eyes but i do it one at a time*
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
BOSS: is your makeup tattooed on? ME: yeah it's exhausting to have to put it on every single morning BOSS: why a clown though
a dead giveaway that someone is lying is if they're in a horizontal position on the floor
team builder: everyone say a fun fact about themselves guy with three arms, a horn, and a mermaid tail: im from new york
it's crazy that discussing sex is still considered taboo when dozens if not hundreds of people have done it
Futons should be called ace sized bed the way they're both smaller and bigger than a twin
Wtf. Was walking my baby AT-AT and someone's Medusa just attacked it. Leash your creatures folks
it's american citizenship, Michael. what could it cost? $5 million?
"fuck this croissant" - guy, 30 seconds before inventing the boomerang
[beauty and the beast] maid: why the hell was I turned to a feather duster cause the prince sucks?! this is some bullshit plumber: I don't wanna hear it that guy who nobody knows what he does: ♟️
Agent: I have a script for you. Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird? Agent: Yes. Radcliffe: I'll do it.
don corleone : we have known each other many years, but this is the first time you've come to me for counsel or for help. but let's be frank here. you never wanted my friendship. and you feared to be in my debt. me: please I just want a new nickname
We could take 100s of billions of dollars to end world hunger OR Here me out. We can make a chat bot that gives you bad info and tells you to jump off a bridge. Awesome right?
If your company is spending 100s of billions in an unprofitable product then sales aren't the point. Employee reduction is. Software engineers building AI for these companies at best are only hurting their brothers and sisters for some billionaire to get a little richer. Fuck billionaires
angel: so you ended your beef with the humans? god: yup. it’s all water over the bridge now. angel: you mean “under the bridge” right? god: angel: god: NOAH!?
When they find a person "unresponsive" why do the police always assume that person to be dead? It might be someone working in HR, for example...