*brings guitar to campfire circle *tunes guitar *waits for everyone to be quiet *gently places guitar on campfire
Each broom agent can spawn additional, autonomous broom agents, each with their own pails. This allows apprentices to accelerate monotonous water-fetching tasks and save their time and energy for more interesting and useful work
me: should i chronicle history or document current events? funk soul brother: write about now
And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”
You've neutralized your last milk hotel!
Johnny Normality (Spooky Mode)@probgobl.in · last mo.You've godspeed youed your last black emperor!
I hate when I go time traveling and forget to bring my pastport.
The sort of thing you get offered by a guy in a Hold Steady song
Neighbour noticed my fortifications and started inquiring about my moat guy. Dream on, fella, I’ve already promised your vulnerable lands to one of my lesser brothers.
Professor: if the valley is shaped like a V it was formed by a river because River has a v in it. If the valley is shaped like a u it was formed by a glacier because Glacier has a u in it. Student : Glacier doesn't have a u in it. Professor: *shoves student into crevasse* now the glacier has u in it
hyperbole kills more people annually than all other literary techniques combined
A rolling bookcase ladder is the ideal mode of transportation. I just need a bookcase that runs between my house and the corner shop
trying to play peekaboo with my child but he's a European diplomat: me: where'd daddy go? baby: we must articulate a post-daddy vision of strategic autonomy me: peekaboo! baby: my historic relationship with my father is stable despite recent troubles
Whether it’s pictures of Barack Obama reading to a group of children with Zohran Mamdani or it’s pictures of Donald Trump with Jeffrey Epstein on an island full of sex-trafficked minors, occupants of the oval office are making some controversial choices about who they take pictures with.
it is acceptable to wipe your hands on a sleeping relative because they are your napkin
we invented these incredible devices called smartphones that give us all the world's knowledge at our fingertips
I’ve been trying on the same pair of pants since 1989 (it’s the world’s biggest pair of pants & I have been free-falling down one of what I assume is one of the legs—it’s hard to tell, it’s so dark in here—for 36 years).
Death didn't come for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris came for Death.
I'm sorry ma'am, but your son perished on Kharg Island in a valiant effort to create Wii Bowling meme videos for the White House X account. In the face of danger, he was not cringe; he was based to his last breath. Please have this commemorative Epic Fury challenge coin. Yes that's Punisher, ma'am
Turning the clocks forward to a time when he's finally dead
To: All Staff Subject: Marketing We've rebranded the Murder Hornets as the Buzz Kills™️ Please note updated signage in the apiaries.
Today the streets of DC are black with Kristi Noem's running mascara
FIFA begins fabrication of newly invented 'War Prize'
me: adele is still out there chasing pavements & setting fire to the rain & it’s making my life seem like i’m living in the non-descript, depression city in the movie se7en. the priest giving me communion: maybe you should try not believing in god for a while.
TATTOO ARTIST: you mean "no regrets", right? ME: *crushing a picture of the egret that killed my father in my clenched fist* no