I’m noticing a suspicious lack of people taking to the streets declaring that they’re Peppers

I miss the 1970s when the national pastime was shooting padlocks with high-powered rifles.

I don't wanna brag but I brag harder than anyone here

About 30% of my knowledge of world history comes from reading cereal boxes.

Pavlov’s dog had soft fur because of all the conditioning.

When Shark Week gets terrible, you say it "jumped the Fonzie."

There's so much junk in my car that if an abductor were to hide in it, he'd have to clean it 1st, in which case I'd just go along freely.

This may be the donkey content you didn't know you needed today.

Dogs j-chillin

I don't want a "Smart Fridge" that orders milk for me. I want a fridge that lasts 25 years and doesn't have a privacy policy that allows it to share my late-night snacking habits with my health insurance provider.

when the movie pulp fiction came out, we were all running around, jamming hypodermic syringes into each other's chests. "we're playing pulp fiction!" we'd yell to our concerned parents. those were the days of our lives.

I’m trying to re-home a small poodle that barks a LOT. If interested DM me and I'II jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

Hey so turns out discovering why we used to have all those food safety regulations in the first place is not all that much fun

Overnight Oats are an easy way to start your day with something cold and clammy, a textural nightmare, a sensory prop labeled "iced brains" in a haunted house

I roofie my family so I can watch SportsCenter in peace.

After a band camp hookup, the next morning you have to do the march of shame.

The women's hairspray industry will die with its key demographic--everyone named Rhonda--in a decade.

When I see white people doing something I hate, I yell, "Go back to cave painting in Lascaux, France!" because I'm a hater who took Art History.

I'm "used to stay up until 11:00 to make a long distance call at a cheaper rate" years old.

My biggest deathbed fear is that as I lie there hallucinating about my childhood, I'll be singing Barry Manilow songs.

I want to be rich enough so when I retire, I can afford to live in a shipping container in a nice neighborhood.

Walked around Harvard today, so my parents could say their son went to Harvard.

I generally avoid people with flip phones because, man, those people have nothing left to lose.

I'm 6'2". My dad was 6'0", so don't tell me Bobby Brady's stretching method doesn't work.

I accidentally turned on a morning network news show, and now I have osteoporosis.

Just seen a Tripadvisor review for Orion's Belt. ★★★☆☆

You can lead a big black horse to a cherry tree, but you can't make him marry you.

Every time I ride in an elevator, I'm prepared to get in a James-Bond-like fist fight.