I think it’s high time that cats earn their driver’s licenses

*25 second sigh* REPRESENTATIVE

I never fucking miss an opportunity to stealthily fucking ninja roll away from bullshit

i saw your generalized post so could you explain why you’re mad at me specifically

fuck it, im on vacation

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

I got a new purse. It only has a single compartment that everything goes into. I think I’ve solved every problem in my life. 

Don’t talk to me until my pills kick in. *10 minutes later* I’M A UNICORN!!! Ok, we’re good now.

"There are no stupid questions." Me:

Dwight Schrute's Iconic Hand Stretch

ALT: Dwight Schrute's Iconic Hand Stretch

static.klipy.com

My inner child needs a bandaid

I’m “virtuous” enough to let my wife have the last slice of pizza. But I will mention it at her funeral.

sack a moose sack a moose can you do a fat mango

I relate to gravel because it's just thousands of tiny, fragmented pieces trying to hold a boundary, but the second anyone walks over it, everything shifts uncomfortably.

After 6 years, you'd think the mailman and I would be friends but no. He won't even consider going to Chuck E Cheese with me

well, reality, maybe if you were a little nicer, everyone wouldn't be avoiding you.

Let my tombstone read as follows: It's not that serious

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

i messed with the bull and got the horns and tbh it was nbd

"The closest distance between two points is always between your legs" -My cat Finn as he trips my ass up in the dark.

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”

Hot singles in your area find your views on pizza toppings a cause for concern.

Hot singles in my area are ignoring me! Who can blame them?

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge

This coffee is hotter than your Mom dressed up for Country Thunder.

Make sure that limb is strong enough before venturing out on it.

A crush? In this economy? In these times? At this juncture? At these crossroads? In this timeline?

I said “maybe” you’re gonna be the one that saves me

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

onf: something (or someone) that's so proportionately both on and off that it can't be either or neither

*wakes up checks if I’m an overnight success, goes back to sleep.