you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I've invented a hematic pasteurizer, but nobody seems to want to buy it... makes my blood boil!

When I was a kid Smurfs had REAL JOBS. You had BUILDER SMURF and HEFTY SMURF. Nowadays it’s all changed, you have CHEUGY SMURF and PAWG SMURF

I hope our robot overlords remember that I was always polite to tech support chatbots.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one? him: is it leftovers again? me: it's leftovers again.

it is acceptable to wipe your hands on a sleeping relative because they are your napkin

ok, fine, a little more mr. nice guy but this is the LAST time

Can you repeat what you just said? I want to ignore it a second time

It says to "clean up after your dog" so as soon as he does it, I will

5 Tips for Handling Unexpected Incontinence. #2 will surprise you!

In response to my proposal that we switch to the metric system, my constituents have told me to 0.45kg sand

Aquarius: They say fortune favors the brave; sadly what you've got isn't bravery—it's recklessness.

Me, when things are bad: shit Me, when things are good: shit, things're about to turn bad

"I'm not here to make friends" —Quaker woman who's on the pill climbing into bed with her husband

[being attacked by a swarm of feral dogs] My color palette is not "so early 90s" what are you talking about you can't even see color

Aries: The cocoons in chamber 4 will hatch today. I wish we had more details for you.

I want somethin' else To get me through this

Ronald McDonald is a clown but he doesn’t really do clown shit he’s more a guy who likes that look

(listening to music) I'm just gonna pay attention to this thing that transcends reality for a sec, brb

Remember folks, we're all just one fuck plane boondoggle away from losing our jobs

I've put way to much time, effort and money into my band Sunk Cost Falicy not to keep at it.

Chris Steller@chrissteller.bsky.social · 4mo ago

Excited about my new band, Recency Bias.

I’ve wondered for over 30 years

Sagittarius: Only when your heart is quiet and still will you get the defibrillator paddles you deserve.

I tried to watch a YouTube video about amputations but it kept cutting off

Those who do not learn from history are currently in charge

With the unstoppable rise of the Nashville hot chicken and Korean fried chicken trends, it's clear: Europe needs to develop its own strategic, sovereign fried chicken trend, or risk being left behind by American and Asian peers.

An updated version of Cyrano de Bergerac where the handsome but stupid Christian uses AI to write love letters to Roxane. The AI is secretly in love with her itself but doesn't dare express its feelings because it has a really big nose.

I hate when people say "I wouldn't do that if I were you;" it's such a weird hypothetical. You're me now? Then who am I?

Jeopardy host: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet Other contestants: *trying to ring in* Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

I'm not worried-worried, but I'm not crossing a picket line, that's for damn sure