the idea that collecting unemployment is too easy is so funny. 1st time trying it & they’re like hey man u can do this but only if u send me a picture of ur birth certificate and ur social security card with ur panties pulled to the side. also u can only claim every fortnight or we find u and u die
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
love how people just will accidentally have a pet cat. they’ll be like yea he just knocked on my door one day and now he has his own bedroom. like what?? what was he doing before u? he was just some guy doing stuff? i need to know more. ur cat has a dark and mysterious past
me: time for some laundry :) laundry machine: ok :) me: ok time to dry :) dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
guy who invented the burrito: check it out. convenient and tasty chipotle: what if it was crazy wet guy: chipotle: like what if the second half of the burrito was just drippy as hell
I stg if these chestnuts were roasted over a closed fire I will lose my fucking mind
feels so fucking good to make small talk about the weather with strangers. “sure is cold out today” darn right it is!! “stay warm out there” aww you want little ol me to stay cozy 🥰 “heard it’s gonna warm up by the weekend” i love an optimist should we hang out
when religious people call your gay friends heathens it’s like no that’s not right. they’re actually he/thems
absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake while i’m cooking. no idea what the fuck i’m doing but it sure does make me feel fancy
me: i need to speak to the pilot flight attendant: absolutely not me: please it’s really important flight attendant: fine *opens cockpit* me: are we there yet
[a turtle walks by] me: *holding back the guy who discovered pistachios* no dont do it
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: because of something my boss said Interviewer: it says here you were fired Me: that's the thing he said
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
trail mix without m&ms: what is this abomination of squirrel food trail mix with a single m&m: now this is sustenance that will keep you going thru the whole day. it’s hiking time boys
really frustrating thing about talking to conservatives is they dont seem to possess any ability to understand that people are connected. like their barista can only make it to work bc of the bus driver who can only drive the bus bc their kid is at a day care etc. zero underlying reasoning ability
Coors: Our beer is so cold Me: Is it good? Coors: It’s fuckin FREEZING
hard to imagine the mental state of the dude who discovered wine. what do u mean ur stomping on grapes and leaving them to rot. did a grape kidnap ur wife
elon musk wakes up and blinks dirt out of his eyes. he crawls his way to the surface, his pale form leaving a slimy residue in his wake. he grasps for a notebook. “genius ideas” is scribbled across the front. he writes “make wheel more rounder?” and smiles. so smart
whale: im fish? god: mammal whale: how will i breathe god: hole in head lol
uber eats: u look hungry me: ya uber eats: but ur so fuckin lazy me: ya uber eats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered me: ya
disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack. phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no
when a place makes u go thru 2 sets of doors to get in and one is a push door and the other is a pull, it’s like yesssss throw me for a loop. make a real fool out of me. trap me in your labyrinth. what am i but a meager jester performing for a chance to enter your distinguished establishment
You couldn't make Blazing Saddles today. You have never made a film before and it would take a long time to figure out.
so awesome when your cat sits down to watch tv with u but sometimes they get too locked in and you start to worry like idk if this is good for ur development little man
movies used to be about telling a beautiful story or making people feel something. now it seems they’re all trying to give me a borner
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
