Doctor: do you exercise? Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks Doctor: Me: cronchies Doctor: I'm gonna put no Me: ok
Jon
@arfmeasures.bsky.social
I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eovcv23qyhbah4huiqzirnp4/feed/aaaea46bxsi3k
KID: hey mister can i pet your dog? ME: sure kid KID: what kind is he? ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt
Me: There's no lamb Chef: Then grill the chicken Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there
[interrupting opponent during rap battle] That’s not my name. No one calls me that
Genie: you have 17 wishes Me: isn't it normally 3?? Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
[restaurant] waiter: would you like water? me: yes please waiter: still? me: I literally just said yes
LAUREN BACALL: you just put your lips together and blow HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren
Genie: you have 17 wishes Me: isn't it normally 3?? Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Wife: use the newspaper to get that spider down Me *reads the news out loud* Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date* McDonalds drive-thru employee: what
Me: how do I do my taxes Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance
[making pizza rolls] instructions: heat them up me: yes instructions: let them cool me: no
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known Me: Yes, I wrote that
Bouncer at exclusive underground club: what's the secret handshake? Me: [does the secret handshake] Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication? Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake] Bouncer: come on in
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"] me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
waiter: are there any allergies at the table? me (already drunk): BEES
MARY: i think the baby is coming JOSEPH: *watching die hard* oh man but this is the best part
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me?” -guy who invented sports
Doctor: you suffer from delusions Me: I don't think so Doctor: they seem real but they're not Stuart Little: he's lying to you Me: I know
Doctor: you suffer from delusions Me: I don't think so Doctor: they seem real but they're not Stuart Little: he's lying to you Me: I know
Me: Is this your first time speed-crying? Him: You mean speed-dating? Me: [already crying]
just opened Animal Crossing for the first time in two years and they were having a funeral for me
MISSED CONNECTION: I was the guy who posed nude for your class. You were the math professor who called campus security