there's such a thing as reading too much science fiction and accidentally cooking your brain a lil bit

In case you just don't look under rocks or behind trees or in holes or at facing away faces, I made you a treasure map for livin there. The x's are not short for extrovert

a "liminal space" is any place where there's no one there and the carpet looks kind of weird

my kid just told me "stop annoying me. I don't want to be annoyed, I just want to annoy other people" and that is the dream isn't it

*returns to civilization after 7 years in the wild* reporter: what food did you eat to survive? me: *thinking about all the hikers I ate* just like, berries and stuff

you: (dumb, basic) that sign pointed the opposite direction, we’re going the wrong way me: (brilliant, non-euclidean) on the surface of a sphere all signs point back at themselves

why is a blowdart to the neck so damn funny while other kinds of poisoning are only kinda funny

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

*At a party* STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit? ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go neanderthal you never go back at all beautiful scientist: why do they say that? neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

impossible question, but for me: Courtney Barnett Kim Deal Kim Gordon Karen O Elizabeth Stokes

geist@prettyvulgar.bsky.social · 2w ago

Name your 5 baddest bitches in rock & roll: Carole King Debbie Harry Linda Perry Mia Zapata Donita Sparks

I will never respect you again and there's nothing you can do to change my mind. I can't change my beliefs or the way I live my life. you had a choice between corned beef and pastrami on that reuben. and you fucking went corned beef

here's a great snack hack: two ritz crackers with a babybel in the middle. I call this "Eating A Baby"

the year is 2030. the only food that doesn’t give you explosive diarrhea is pure microplastics. the federal government is run by teens on e-bikes. there’s a new sheldon spinoff

you seem like someone who watches a lot of CBS original programming [derogatory]

it's not actually an honor to end up on the cover of Viziers Monthly. it shows your machinations aren't subtle enough

fool me once, I fall into darkness. the curse. I can never escape it

when they poisoned the lettuce I said who cares, only morons eats salad. then they came for the pastrami

Data Report@datareport.bsky.social · 4w ago

City Foods Inc. of Chicago, IL, is recalling 3,215 pounds of ready-to-eat (RTE) pastrami and corned beef productsthat may be adulterated with Listeria monocytogenes, according to the USDA’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS). www.foodsafetynews.com/2026/08/more...

My grandmother lived to be 102 When I asked what her secret was, she said, “God’s punishing me.”

When the gods want to test a man's character they put him on the computer

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

going to be honest with you big man I heard fuck all when I put that shell to my ear, but for a fleeting moment the coolness of the shell against my ear soothed me

Don't take the White Castle! #worldwatercolormonth

hey, I just met Zeus and this is crazy but he's a swan and I'm having babies

Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.