Instead of a dental guard, I sleep with a brick of cheese in my mouth.
Sequel to the Internet
@sequel2internet.bsky.social
The internet is great! But isn’t it time for a sequel? Let’s build the internet 2 together! Looking for investors and ideas for what features to include.
We are the only internet that has age verification for perverts. If you are a pervert, we will remember your birthday every year and send you a fun little note.
Our testimony before congress didn’t go great. They hold us liable and asked us to assemble a crack team of commandos to go back in time and eliminate the haunted dolls that used our time-traveling rogue AI to place themselves throughout important moments in history. (Sorry for run-on sentence)
We will be testifying before congress tomorrow about allegedly giving haunted dolls access to our rogue time traveling AI, which allowed haunted dolls to be seeded across history. Asking everyone to email congresspeople tonight and confirm you don’t fear haunted dolls.
Sequel to the Internet@sequel2internet.bsky.social · last wk.Our Internet2 is absolutely the best place for haunted doll collectors…But as a safety precaution we are asking collectors not to leave their dolls alone in a room with a computer left on and our AI open. No special reason, just don’t do it anymore.
Imagine needing to pay your credit card bill with your cellphone, but you’re too far away from your satellite suitcase transponder to get a signal. Now with our Internet 2 cell phone you can be up to 30 ft away and get a clear signal. With the antenna extender add on.
As an added service the Internet2 has developed our own smart phone…the Sequel Two! It’s designed to fold up conveniently to store behind your knee.
[michael scott daydreaming about selling paper to the infinite monkeys with typewriters]
We may have mentioned that our time-traveling AI had been seized by possessed dolls and has been seeding the dolls throughout history. We have this photo as proof. By our research this photo originally had no dolls in it. You can see the changes the lil bastards have made to the timeline.
Jimothy in the streets. Rocket in the sheets.
A portion of every dollar we earn from the Sequel to the Internet goes to vision care for blind cave fish.
Long story short, our own AI went rogue and has been traveling through time. At the same time, haunted doll collectors accidentally allowed their dolls access to the AI. So our AI is now seeding history with haunted dolls. And honestly, we blew this one.
Imagine wanting a reminder to change your water filter in five years, and your computer hooked to the internet2 is able to remind you in 3 months to write a note on your fridge
Our Internet2 is absolutely the best place for haunted doll collectors…But as a safety precaution we are asking collectors not to leave their dolls alone in a room with a computer left on and our AI open. No special reason, just don’t do it anymore.
We mentioned that our new internet is a one stop shop for haunted doll collectors. But we also have chat rooms for agnostic doll collectors. And Presbyterian cabbage patch.
We won't be telling my Sith apprentice that I got swindled in that time share
Our Internet2 is wide open and accepting of the haunted doll collectors community. We have chat rooms. Secure pages for selling your dolls. Live zooms with authenticators and disgraced exorcists. Sign up now.
Imagine wanting to book a vacation and going on the internet 2 and within minutes you’ve found the number of a local travel agent. Then two hours later, after you’ve talked with Joan, you’ve got a stimulating vacation booked, with confirmation coming in the mail!
Can’t we just put the AI servers in the backrooms? Plenty of room in there. Can’t hurt anything.
How do parents decide to bring children into this world, when there’s so many unidentified haunted dolls in America right now? Like 2 or 3 for every sq mile. It’s too much!
People complain about AI server facilities🤷🏻♂️…in my day The Lil Professor calculator used three times the water and you had to shovel coal into the back.
Our AI server facility is in Chernobyl so there’s no environmental damage to worry about. And there’s very little chance that an irradiated and mutated cyber intelligence would quickly evolve and bring harm to humanity.
Which toothpaste whitens teeth and also removes minor felonies? Asking for my smile.
We are the only internet to open a rescue for abused NeoPets. Shame on us all.
People always say, “The Internet 2? Isn’t that the internet you have to start with a pull cord?” The answer is yes, but there’s an electric ignition option. Stop making a big deal about it.
We are the only Internet provider that guarantees our AI won’t take control of robot barbers and command them to give us all embarrassing hair styles. It’s right there in the contract.
Our proprietary AI known as Custer that is no longer under our control has been opening accounts on here posing as human. Do not follow it or offer it personal information. If it posts a guac recipe, do not attempt to make it. It will be gross.
Me: So, we meet again, o' bringer of hope. Share with us, if you will, the secrets of existence so that we too may endeavour to persevere with unshakable optimism. Friday:
In a continuing effort to help kids or something, our corporate website has a link for them to download a “Politely Decline Drugs” workbook. It’s full of math problems and coloring pages to show they don’t need drugs to have fun. But you can still be sociable.
Imagine using the power of the internet 2 to monitor babies. It’s not guaranteed to be your baby, but we are swiftly working on that feature. And who knows, you may randomly get a more interesting baby.