HER: can you change the baby? ME: [to baby] maybe try being less loud

I wish I could shazam a smell

so apparently those little plastic caps that they use to baby proof power outlets are also adult proof too, cause i couldnt get it off with my finger, so naturally i used the metal chisel in my toolbelt. yeah. i know.

It’s not every day I get to say a good morning fly over to Greenland

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

[murderer while in the middle of murdering me] did you just call timeout

I think every city should have one statue with no plaque explaining why it’s there

Enough with the Zoom calls. It was cute in 2020, but I’m tired of moving my toys out of the way.

Me: *posts about microwave* Internet stranger: "wow I cant believe you hate single mothers, disabled people, neurodivergant people, the elderly, the- "

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge

This is the funniest possible way to frame someone winning a primary

Politico@politico.com · 9h ago

Progressives didn’t get the big election night they wanted

I found out that my friends grandfather was able to avoid the WW2 draft by telling them he was an engineer working on a military project and it was a pogo stick with a gun mounted on it and they bought it. There are actual designs and plans of the thing. I'm going to write the hell out of this story

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I bet the inventor of the microwave was like "no. Sadder."

did someone say sadder

Deeny they/them@geraldinepiche.bsky.social · 23h ago

I bet the inventor of the microwave was like "no. Sadder."

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

stop being a little fuckin bitch baby about everything or die , your choice in 3, 2, 1

that dog in me sees and sniffs the asshole of that dog in you

I’m not religious but I do believe in signs from the universe

my husband is talking about how he gets his circumcision “touched up” for special occasions

The ghost of my dead plant watching me go to Lowe's gardening section

ah heck hold my beer (lives an honest and virtuous life)

I was born a baby, but eventually that changed

Here is a nice mushroom

Last night my neighbor saw me plunging my hand into the soil, grabbing a fistful of worms then raising them triumphantly above my head as I laughed and lightning crashed around me. Going to be difficult to explain that one.

guys will literally spend years navigating the united states health care system, confused by the process of finding and paying for regular visits to a mental health professional instead of going to therapy

Bro I can't stop thinking about the plums you left in the fridge

hey ken, nobody cares that you were in tabloids or fox news; you did a streisand effect that landed @gwenpepperoni.myatproto.social on that radar though regardless of your intent, it had a shitty impact, which afaik isn’t anything you have even been like “shit, my bad” on

Ken Jennings@kenjennings.bsky.social · 3d ago

I saw yesterday that some right-wing outlets were running stories about me, which I’m used to. But this time I’m going to say something about it, because these were framed to imply that I was aligned with their own transphobia. ⬇️