Every morning, I watch a beautiful naked woman across the street with my telescope. One day, I'll get that telescope back.
I tried to do an impression of a shrew giving a marshmallow a back rub.
Combing donkeys is illegal. Sorry, I don’t rake the mules.
Welcome to Bookbinding for Beginners, please make yourself a tome.
wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?
Just how Popey was the Pope today? (From the archives, 2015)
but im a jeep im a vehicle what the hell am i doing here beep beep honk honk steer
Hocus Pocus (1993) follows a villainous comedic trio of witches who are inadvertently resurrected by a teenage boy in Salem, Massachusetts on Halloween night.
Funerals should have a bit where they ask the congregation to speak up if there’s any lawful reason why the dead person shouldn’t be buried
Tony Slattery was an uncageable comic for whom Whose Line..? was built for. A true clown. What a talent.
I owe my sandwich toaster a lot of money, but debtor the breville you know.
Wife: What is this? Me: [covered head to toe in ketchup] Santa Sauce is coming to town Wife: Sean, we've talked about this Me: Happy hollandaise Wife: You promised Me: [shouting at the car as she drives away] …AND MAYO YOUR CHRISTMASES BE W–
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Getting fired in the Open Office Geodesic Dome, the Hurt Yurt, the Fear Sphere, the Dodecadownsizer
The police said I’d be locked up if I’m caught stealing kitchen utensils again, but I’m willing to take the whisk.
Father Christmas isn’t particularly handsome in rainy weather… But he’s dashing through the snow.
Back in 2015 I asked my then 3 year old daughter to guess the names of old wrestlers.
Excruciating barber experience please I sold out of this print a while back, wish I'd made more. I think barbers must have been buying it lol
[hunting] “In order to attract the stag, I’ll perform the special call” [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] “GET OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Waiter: “Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?” Me: “Yes please” Waiter: [clears throat] “THIS TOWN, AHH AHHH, IS COMIN’ LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[murder scene] Detective: “So the victim drowned?” Cop: “After suffering a blow to the head” Detective: “What’s he doing?” Me: [trying to draw chalk outline on the river]
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] See, this is what I’m talking about.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
optimus prime: did she just wink at me? me: i think she’s turning left