Sorry I called fish "expired caviar."

Well, at least we'll always have people on the internet with more followers than us to tell us how to feel about things.

At the Arby's counter, introducing myself to the staff as "a longtime fan of the meats."

It's not delicious, it's DiGiorno.™

I didn't do it ALL for the nookie. For example: heroin.

Only became an atheist because they wouldn't let me vape in church.

You see, kids, back when fucks were given, their value was appreciated at a premium, but they’ve been devalued so much on an international scale over the last few decades that no one gives them any more. It’s called Macrofuckenomics.

I'm not a mad scientist; just a disappointed one.

No, YOUR body is a temple. Mine is non-denominational.

*documentary about Trix cereal* WERNER HERZOG: We see the rabbit, mad with desire. He is mocked by children and by the cereal's very existence. His life is slowly drawing to a close.

Every bar out here serves buffalo wings, but no one has the balls to serve buffalo giblets.

After a battery of tests, my cardiologist has declared my heart "achy, not breaky."

Sorry I called fish "expired caviar."

Unsettling to look at Facebook and see your old apartment on fire. Like, "Holy shit- that was my living room!"

The Party of Lincoln vs The Party of Twitch Streamers.

Looking for a watch band that says "I may die in the jungle, primarily due to hubris"

After his death, newly declassified documents confirm what we all suspected to be true: The General from the car insurance commercials is a war criminal. He committed unspeakable atrocities in 'Nam and Shaq has known for years.

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

"Squishy Dumpling" sounds more like a sex act than a kid's toy.

Fair warning: If confronted, I will show my b-hole.

I'm not a mad scientist; just a disappointed one.

Remembering that girl at a party who said “girl I need your Instagram” and I replied “why would I have an instagram I love myself”

After a battery of tests, my cardiologist has declared my heart "achy, not breaky."

Mine ass has seen the glory of the farting of the butt

Bluesky's clear upside over Twitter is that it gives you the chance to be bullied by a better class of people.

Glaciers? You mean where the Gatorade comes from??

Any photograph from the 20th century that I've never seen before is AI.

Relationship goals:

Only became an atheist because they wouldn't let me vape in church.

I miss getting cereal with a toy inside