words with the -orn- letter combo are so deep and moving like "morning," "forlorn," "sworn," "horny," "adorn"

sage gap relationship (one of us is wise and the other is a dumbass)

recycling sex tweets is called cumposting

Such bullshit that my bank won’t let me roll over my CD into a slush fund

Talk is cheap because supply greatly exceeds demand

Made you a sandwich for no reason other than testing if I have any nurturing instincts left, or if I'm just a sociopath with bread.

I saw a local mall advertising that they’re hosting a ‘family friendly’ circus. Suddenly, I’m full of regret and wondering just how I could have missed the phenomenon of adult oriented X-rated circuses?

Rivers are like lakes but grinding harder

I invented a new word: plagiarism

Isn’t it time the moon appeared with a ridiculous name.

Everyone talks about how much the country changed after Trump’s first election, but no one mentions how all the tattoo artists suddenly became barbers.

Dude, I just wanted to smoke my cigarette, check the fuck out, and enjoy this song, but fine- tell me all about why your wife left you.

HER: can you change the baby? ME: [to baby] maybe try being less loud

What if God had cargo shorts?

Racism will never bring down the cost of groceries or gas.

I could fight a raccoon behind an Arby's today, just for fun.

Me: I'm looking for a your most haunted property currently on market. I'd like 'portal to hell' but I think I could settle for an unusually angry poltergeist. Realtor: Honestly? I think you’re going to love this one. The house chose you. Which is rare. Usually it chooses someone with better credit.

I put my human suit on one tentacle at a time, just like everybody else

Don't stand between me and my potatoes. The last person who tried is now a cautionary tale told at dinner parties.

bluesky reminder: jokes exist

Going to teach the raccoons in my area to smoke dope with me and listen to stories about Jimothy and we can eat cookies and knock over the neighbours bin, shed, and shit in his pool

Too oblique Too oblique to pique (hey, hey)… 🎶

Not a friend, not a bsky crush, but a secret shitposter thing.

My work here is don’t.

Do you ever stop to pick up pretty rocks or has your transformation into a full-blown asshole complete?

Hot singles in your area find your views on pizza toppings a cause for concern.

They don't want you to know, but you can just put a fried egg on a red lobster biscuit. Nobody can stop you.

Gonna open a nail salon called Quentin Toeantino

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

People who say “I’ve had it up to here with you” I noticed there’s still space for more.