I forget I can post this every September

concerned that the Sydney Sweeney gambling advert is going to make young men want to jack off

Me: Radius of the Ea-- Google: HAVE YOU DOWNLOADED CHRONE Me: Shut the fuck up radius of the Eart-- Google: USE CHRONE YOU LITTLE BITCH

Switched on the kitchen light and could've sworn I saw a horse scurry under the fridge

Shortly after passing through airport security, I take out my empty bottle and regurgitate bomb fluid into it. I turn to the camera and laugh, and you realise that I am actually Osama Bin Laden in disguise...

Hate it when the bathroom goes mouldy

had the potentially week-ruining thought-bomb "Meesa Charlie Kirk," luckily I was able to quarantine it before I started singing it to the song tune, or generating additional lyrics

modding Microsoft flight simulator X, so that I can bring my emotional support horse into the cockpit

I JUST WANT A PHONE THAT’S SLIGHTLY SMALLER SO I CAN COMFORTABLY HOLD IT

[handing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] so I was thinking something like this

Here’s a good one

I don't want to die a hero. I want to live. As a dipshit

Doing some important research

almost word for word

Alexander Brown@alexofbrown.bsky.social · 2w ago

Robert Jenrick tells Times Radio Nigel Farage wasn't part of the donations scandal as he just had lunch. He said: "You can't criticise a leader for saying thank you over lunch to someone. I know a lot of slings and arrows are thrown at Nigel Farage, but being polite is not a crime these days"

You, dumb: We must imagine Sisyphus happy Me, smart: (Gollum voice) Oh no we don't!

throng.cee.wtf i've invented a new way to browse bluesky

blessed to live in the age of USB-C. blessed,

MFW the person sitting next to me on the flight takes off their shoes

sometimes I am like the precogs from Minority Report except I can tell exactly when my girlfriend is going to load the dishwasher incorrectly

i’m tearing open a void in the fabric of spacetime later does anyone want anything?

can’t sleep because my phone is too big. all our phones are too big

if the country switched from miles to km overnight i would have zero difficulty adjusting. but maybe i’m just built different

This is getting confusing

Went to the library and found this book that was basically an exact chronicle of the nightmares and visions I've been having for the past month. I asked the librarian what he knew about the book. "Well, he's a big red dog named Clifford." So, the demon has a name.

Ah yes, the cursed 48:52 ratio strikes once more