My 10 year plan is just to see what happens

I’ve yet to talk to anyone in this ball pit with a coherent world view.

You ever stare at your dog like I can't believe this is free. He could easily charge for this

Last night my neighbor saw me plunging my hand into the soil, grabbing a fistful of worms then raising them triumphantly above my head as I laughed and lightning crashed around me. Going to be difficult to explain that one.

Running outside waving at the sky yelling "DOWN HERE" every time a plane flies over

*does the spray bottle spraying sound while spraying a spray bottle*

I'm the only person who remembers the day that every bird in the world said the words "system rebooting" in perfect unison

there’s too many noises in the world today

I have questions. None of them are helpful.

Nothing happens for a reason. Anyone who claims otherwise is in the pocket of Big Causality

wearing lasagna noodles as bracelets was a fantastic idea, people stop talking to me the second I start eating one off my arm

Trying to look at the bright side: nobody ever expects me to solve magic eye puzzles anymore. That's a load off

Remember to be kind to yourself today. You can be evil to yourself tomorrow. On Wednesday you should be kind to ducks. On Thursday the ducks will be evil to you, so watch out for that

Top 10 mysterious outsiders who wandered into town and changed our lives forever

if there's a cat in your house you gotta go bother 'em. hurry

I can only promise to be exactly as normal as circumstances require

i’m basically always on the ground

I’m showing my age here, but when I’m buying weapons grade plutonium that’s more of a “on the computer” purchase. It feels weird buying it on my phone!

theres a few dozen black crows gathering in my front yard but it probably doesn’t mean anything. it’s fine.

I always keep a spare bread crumb in my wallet in case I meet an ant

im not really good at decorating my apartment because, most of the stuff you need isn't at the gas station

There’s a guy at the farmers market who will read your tomato’s aura for a quarter

Birds are too quick and too far away to get a proper look at. That's why I've taken up slugwatching instead. You have all the time in the world

there's room for everyone in my super secret crime syndicate

a poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Can I interest you in a bowl of the pallid grey nutrient slurry that I harvest from the cow-sized insect that lives in my basement?

what will the moths do once they reach the moon?

boss yelling at me for messing up at work and i raise my shirt over my head to make myself appear bigger so he will leave

Thinking it might be nice to give someone a greeting card that doesn't express any particular sentiment. "Indifferent regards to you on this unremarkable occasion". On the card could be a picture of a log or a toaster

whenever an ad pops up on the show i’m watching, i look at my phone immediately so as not to be corrupted