it’s like my dad always used to say, [extremely loud beer can opening sound]

*about to mount a mechanical bull Do you guys rent dildos?

Garter straps that connect my knee socks to my boxer-briefs so I look my hottest while tending to my front lawn

I think next year is the year I make the big leagues.

Fuck ICE

Just want to hunker down at the bar, have a couple chocolate milks to unwind, maybe flirt with the bartender a little.

Bouncing on it in a way that makes you question everything you thought you knew about the Coriolis effect

I’m sorry for speeding officer. It was that crazy jazz music made me do it

Going crazy, but sexily

🎶 Load up your spork a little more, and feed your world to me 🎶

It’s an oscillating fan aimed directly at my balls kind of day

SPACEX PLANS TO FIND MAGIC LAMP WITH GENIE THAT GRANTS WISHES

All hopped up on clearance rack deli meats and homebrew ginger ale

It’s just a couple of casual acquaintances exchanging bodily fluids, don’t make it weird.

This is gonna take crackerjack timing Wang.

Big Natural Bowel Movements

Tax the rich just before eating them. It’s a win-win.

A comedic break where I trip over a piece of furniture and end up face first between your open thighs

Wearing my fourth-sexiest undies today so I don’t look desperate as I twerk at cars at the end of my driveway

Sexting into the void. The void does not sext back.

*thirty-seven day guitar solo*

Walking into the woods, never to return, for my mental health.

Grind against their ass while they’re doing the dishes so they know their effort is appreciated.

Watching these pieces of shit get fired is fun, except for the part where they have an even shittier piece of shit waiting in the wings to step into the role.

the smell of that first pot of coffee in the morning tho

As crummy as the day has been at least I didn’t have my bank account shut down for money laundering like some sort of asshole.

Oh, wow, they look so much hotter in the ‘before’ picture…

My apologies. We're all out of inspiration and motivation. Would you be interested in sarcasm, innuendo, or an inappropriate comment instead?

If you’re going to try and one-up my story you legally have to take your top off first because of the legal precedent set in Shirts v. Skins.

Ack!