They're all like, "His life wasn't in danger," like we're not all fucking disappointed that there wasn't a mid-air collision in this one, isolated case.

Two office mates were out and a third was in hiding so I had to interact with strangers today and I don't recommend it.

We will FINALLY be moving the tiny house to its final resting place here on the farm on Friday and I'm freaking the fuck out. Moving. The house.

Tech companies getting bigger and building apps I don't need while I'm just over here wishing for software that works right.

You can be anything you want to be, so be annoying.

the enemy of my enemy is a mystery because my enemy is dead to me

No matter our differences we just need to agree on some of the important things in life . . . like the fact that pizza is healthy because it contains veggies.

my love language is out-grandiose’ing your work-friend’s boyfriend’s grandiose gestures

*practicing non-condescendence you know what babe you’re right you’ve really made me rethink everything i’ve ever thought about everything

why are you even worrying about money babe i bet on kalshi that haters gon hate we good

[during sex] *elbow hits remote turning tv on to last watched zendaya feature “babe i can explain”

Como say d say please leggo my eggo en espanol?

when you saw one set of footprints, it was post-singularity and nature and technology had blended into one self-running ecosystem

I’m the Jar Jar Binks of lovemaking.

When those you love are at their worst, that's when you need to be at your best.

It is absolutely heartbreaking to listen to either of the Obamas speak at this point. Trump is horrible and an embarrassment.

Let the anticipation kill you

all celery all day

Cats are wise, in their unique cattish way. Just observe. Do cats wake up one day, and decide to go camping?

we should build an empire where the only currency is doing something nice

washing down my diarrhea lettuce salad with a tall refreshing glass of Panera murder lemonade

These air conditions will likely last for months at a time in the not too distant future

i just made mother nature my bitch by forgetfully leaving my frozen pizza in the car and having her cook it for me. my car smells delicious

i’m totally fine btw, completely normal

rocking up to the cat shelter with my reusable totes like hi im here to do my shopping

"People love you for more than just your looks," I mumble to the old man staring at me in the mirror.

Lol..lots of lettuce. Lol..lots of luck.

I accidentally said “you too” to the self-checkout.

the scarlet letter a on my chest stands for adorable