After work decompression

There's a technique to running in a trenchcoat

Remember when it was light outside from 530am till 9pm? Ahhh, those were the days

When you've known the word since a child but can't remember cuz you're old now Hot object grabber thingy = pot holder

Guests who ask our concierge "where a fellow can find a little action around here" will likely be directed to Crazy Carl's Paintball Range.

A lot of companies try to hide the number of employee fatalities. We think you have a right to know.

Green or Red Chile 🤮

Tuesday shenanigans with Gus

The afternoon nap to supplement the morning nap is top tier

It's hot* outside *clothing optional

Barefoot+boxers+t-shirt=summer

What's your 5yr plan? To forget your email address

I flirt for fun and panic when it works

Today in World Coop, Claudine, the chicken from Lone Jack, came out strong. She was laying three eggs an hour before trying to get a cloacal kiss from Jeb, our egg counter. Claudine tested positive for methamphetamine and was promptly disqualified. Jeb is hard to read, but seemed extra disappointed.

I'm growing a pineapple cuz 🖕geography

An empath performing exorcisms based on vibes.

My drafts folder is stocked full of cheesy goodness

When hungry, eat Follow for more solid advice

Captcha: Are you alone? Me: Uh. Yeah. Captcha: Kiss all the squares with butts in them. Me: What?! Captcha: You heard me. Me: [leans in to kiss the squares with butts in them] Captcha: LMFAO OMG I can't believe you did that

barnacle bill: just wait. you’ll see. imma grow on you his date: what

I now own the deed to Somewhere. You'll have to go through me to find all your missing things.

"You have warm eyes." "Thank you. Please get your fingers out of them."

If you refer to slowing down as slowing up, just block me now cuz I'm not gonna let that go

Weird how the other passengers never join in when I yell at other vehicles from the bus

friends, roaming countrymen, lend me your ears. hi! this is Marc Antony for sprint™️. can you hear me now? no ? how about now ? goddamnit how about now ? jfc (julius fucking caesar) wtf 😩