I will never contain my excitement. Just deal with it.

Sometimes, self-care is reading books, eating pastries, and petting cats.

where does dracula go when he's sick? gothspital (please this is the one and only joke i have ever thought up in my life)

The enemy of my enemy’s enemy’s enemy’s enemy’s enemy might be Kevin Bacon.

I just want someone to describe me as having "a very particular set of skills"

PETER GABRIEL: shock the monkey ZOOKEEPER: absolutely not

Egg salad is chicken salad. Follow me for more culinary facts

I drank the liquid inside of a lava lamp and gained superpowers that allow me to visit the hospital whenever I feel like it.

*high af, staring at a lava lamp* i can’t believe you defeated Pompeii

be the haunted mansion on a cliff’s edge you want to see in the world

Executioner: Have fun in hell Me: You too! Ah, shi[electrocution noises]

I love clowns. I love how they murder people and live in the sewers.

A spinoff of "Pimp My Ride" for hearses called "Bling Out Your Dead"

Name a non-LOTR character who could resist the one ring

Emily Blunt Guts@glocktopus.bsky.social · 2h ago

Name a non-LOTR character who could resist the one ring.

Name a non-LOTR character who could resist the one ring.

Gringo Ontario@elgringofeo.bsky.social · 3h ago

Name a non-LOTR character who could resist the one ring.

how are we gonna explain all of this to my hamster?

This post will self destruct in five minutes

If a man is talking in the woods, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still stupid?

Ben Affleck: Can I see the zoo you bought? Matt Damon: For the hundredth time, I didn’t buy a zoo. That was just a movie. Ben Affleck: You’re mean.

I don’t need diamonds baby the truth is pockets are a girl’s best friend

I'm thinking of having a few extra fingers transplanted, so I can claim every photo of me is just ai

[grocery store] Me, wearing a bathrobe while standing in line: laundry day? Guy wearing a scuba suit while standing in line: laundry day

Bear Tip: before you go camping, please season yourself. Nothing too spicy.

Any taxidermist I hire to preserve a beloved pet needs to have the right stuff.

Bro you're being too normal. It's scaring off the weird girls.

At least we're scrolling the doom together

My brother said he’s proud of me for not sitting in the house all day like I usually do. It was really, really nice to actually do something. Mr D & I are gonna plan more day trips. When we’re not broke.

Be kind but not too nice that's fucking annoying.

It’s been a great day. Mr D has been stressed so he took the day off. We went to his fav city & into many shops. I spent too much money (2 bakeries & a used book store!). I could def live in a place like that. Just walk & you get what you need.

(Santeria) 🎵 Well I'll eat a Mr. Goodbar, and I'll have a Snickers too But not a Butterfinger cause I, Don't like the chew