Take me down to the Palindrome City where the set ups don't always have punchlines

Maya Jama told me Faithfuls keep banishing her teammates so I asked how many teammates she has and she said she just keeps recruiting new Traitors so I said it sounds like she’s just feeding recruits to the Faithfuls and then James Acaster started crying

You call him a Minotaur, I call him Half Man, Half Brisket x

Coprophile hosting Mastermind: I've sharted so I'll finish...

ffs I just wanted a Mediterranean fish stew but this restaurant completely messed the order up. I should never have come here. Wrong plaice, wrong thyme.

bad horror movies are better than good horror movies, mute replies, silence notifications, post skeet

Godspeed to the people making this. If this is all the DW we'll get for the foreseeable, nothing can shield them from the unbridled fury they will receive over a show literally made for toddlers. www.doctorwho.tv/news-and-fea...

It's nice in this bucket of crabs. I don't know why anyone would even *want* to leave.

breaking up by subskeet. please repost so he gets the message

I can relate heavily to woodpeckers bc sometimes I, too, feel like smashing my face into a tree 12,000 times a day

Perpetually unbothered to look up how you're supposed to safely dispose of aerosol cans so there shall inevitably come a day where my room simply cannot be entered for all the empty deodorant

Michael claims to be Welsh but I thought Mr Sheen was Polish.

I don’t need fuck you money but it would be nice to stop having fuck me money

Please, call me 'gender'. Miss Gender was my father.

Toy Story 5: Parents should think more carefully about how their children play rather than sitting them in front of a screen all day Disney+ advert I just saw: Watch Toy Story 5 on REPEAT, over and over and OVER, NEVER stop consuming Disney Corporation-owned properties from now until you DIE

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Diarrhoea of a Wimpier Kid

I really hope my partner-in-crime never meets my brother-in-law, they would NOT get on

First of all, this ketchup butty is delicious. It's really unhealthy, but I love the texture. That's what I call a condiment sandwich.

*blackadder theme* His head is bigger than a fence He breathes, and everything gets warmer His urge to trample represents A nation's nuclear war trauma Godzilla! Godzilla! The scourge of beast and man! Godzilla! Godzilla! He's flattening Japan!

Tollund Man hearing our bullshit and threatening to jump back in the bog: Don't make me re-peat myself

I was today years old when I found out the four gospels are not about a calculus exam and three toilets. I always thought they were called Math You Mark, Loo, Can, John.

Oh no, the train announcer just said we have to change for rugby but I haven't brought my kit.

[job interview] interviewer: so god killed all your kids? job: that's right

Yesterday the driver of the train I was on gave us a little quiz question. Just something to get people talking. And I want more of that, please. You're a cool guy, Mark the train driver.

I hate people who are into acupuncture. Always acting holier-than-thou.

screw motivational mix i need my bangers downright delusional

When you stay at my place, you're treated like a member of the family. Your food bowl and litter tray are in the hall.

How flooded does a zoo have to be before they give up and rebrand as an aquarium

The MrBeast book might be literarily the worst thing ever