Avoid anti-consumerist language in your day-to-day conversations. Instead of saying: "I'm a homosexual man" Try: "I am not the target demographic of pussy"

one thing my mom's gonna do is cover all her bases

Elephant trunks continue to grow as they age so that by the time they reach their sixties it's dragging on the ground unless they tuck it in their own assholes

This was my Citizen Kane

when you point a gun at someone you've always got 3 guns pointed back at yourself

As we all know, moderately attractive people are the most virtuous

palette cleanse

everyone has such expensive underwear. i imagine you're all like a gay version of that candle meme

I won the widest nipples competition at the state fair after the 1st place finisher from rounds 1 & 2 died of heat stroke but when I went to collect the prize money I was owed they claimed that was only the calculated monetary value of the "exposure" they were giving me 😩 this can't keep happening

when I worked at [columbus pizza place that im not sure exists anymore] if you ordered extra sauce you'd get the normal amount of sauce on bottom and the extra would be on top in little blobs as a topping. idk about underrated but I've never seen anyone else do that

Discontinued Foods!@discontinuedfoods.bsky.social · yesterday

What's the most UNDERRATED pizza topping/topping combo?

never let anyone try to tell you that you have to know what things are or even what words mean just to have a strong opinion that you must broadcast to the world

we can rebuild him... we can make him stronger. *cut to corpse with a perm and too much blush*

if I thinking what im thinking u plumbing my depths bro

never identified more with a character in a piece of media than the girl who nonchalantly says "oh my god why does he have a knife" at the end of the let me see what you have video

A bacteriophage ate my baby

science journalism, man. no one's dying from a bacteriophage, they're trying to scare you for clicks and you should probably be a lot more worried about antibiotic resistance if you need something to perseverate on this afternoon

Roommate walking into the living room: Can you put on those bitchy guys Me: Do you mean... Siskel and Ebert? Roommate: Yeah

Don't talk to me unless your fit goes one tenth of one percent as hard as this

remember when my bathroom didn't have a ceiling, that was a very damn bitch you live like this apartment

Trying to return my car when I realize they’re not called hentai lock brakes

I can fully cook a sweet potato in my microwave in under 5 minutes

really can't find much fault in a movie that exists solely to pose the question "hey do you guys wanna see zazie beetz fuck a bunch of people up with an axe?"

I need to get syringes for my cat but there's rush hour traffic between me and the vet's office

Jean Menarche Luxembourg, Census Records, 1843-1900

there should be a holiday for millennials where all our accounts change to our original AIM screen names for the day and then turn back to normal at the stroke of midnight

re: dickulous

I hope mary 62 is killing it at online poker rn

i read about how marilyn manson had a rib removed so he could suck your cock