C'mon Apple, just make the AirPods ear-wax yellow instead of white already and save me the hassle.

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" *slaps him across the face* "VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!!"

"Art"

I remember one time I showed my father the bubble level app on my phone and I don't think he was ever more disappointed in me.

Fair fare isn't fair fare, but that's fair enough

I can't believe someone at Toyota actually approved the name "Highlander" for a car knowing full well that it would limit their production capacity to "only one."

Trifle's are just super-sized parfaits

I'm frankly surprised that enough people know what a rotary is to warrant the club.

As far as "dad eras" go, I'm in my "Disney's Cars era." There have been much worse eras.

I'm pretty fed up with beans not being magic

Coffee is like a warm hug in the face first thing in the morning

they should invent a recliner that catapults you into bed when you fall asleep

Had a fart so loud and big today that it blew the sweat off my butthole. I call it a wind wind situation.

I swear that one day very soon I will come downstairs in the morning only to see an AI chat prompt floating ominously in the center of my kitchen.

Dirty deeds just aren't as cheap as they used to be.

What people don't realize about grilling is that it's only 0.01% cooking skill. The other 99.99% is just 90% washing your hands and 0.99% stressing about burning everything.

It's just too easy to laugh at ChatGPT. The jokes write themselves.

Being able to stream music to my ecobee thermostat is just the chef's kiss of features no one asked for.

What's up with that one pair of socks that lasts ten years longer than the rest of the pack and why don't they make them all like that?

nobody: infants: *the shrillest most ear-piercing cry you've ever heard for 0.5s* *comatose level sleep*

Ok, Canada Dry is great and all. But where can I try Canada Wet?

say something inane so I can repost you

"Guy lunch," I say as I tear open a third package of beef jerky

narcoleptics and insomniacs could learn a lot from each other

Summer. Check your backseat. Don’t leave chocolate or that Costco-sized bottle of ibuprofen softgel capsules in your car.

People say you become more risk adverse as you get older. But I eat bagged salads like all the time now.

*sitting right next to a window* *looks at phone to see if it's raining*

Just splurged on the "Hot Wheels Ultimate Gararage Premium (Plus+)+" Holds something like 1,500 cars, it was super cool, the kid would love it. Turns out, it was just the couch I had all along.

This novella could've been an email