Standing up swaying on the bus with music in my ears and *whispers* Nobody Knows I'm Dancing

Of course now I understand that Tutu Tuesday goes way back to the birth of humanity, but I first learned about it in my circus years as a completely ordinary custom and it's nice to see how loved it has become

Mother Nature Sex Show

Last night my neighbor saw me plunging my hand into the soil, grabbing a fistful of worms then raising them triumphantly above my head as I laughed and lightning crashed around me. Going to be difficult to explain that one.

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

I didn't have much upper arm hair until I hit my 40s and then I fully Squatch'd

Tom Waits for a minute

check out this Freddy Krueger ass looking rock

Sorry, I didn't see of the instructions after "Close your eyes."

I'm the only person who remembers the day that every bird in the world said the words "system rebooting" in perfect unison

Just straight up Bugs Bunnyied a carrot. Ate it with a little green on the end. Crunched it with the side of my mouth. Docs were asked what’s up.

I’m not here. *wall hugs her way to her Bluesky cubbie & grabs her AirPods* I’m not here. *exits out the back*

I bet when you shed your outgrown chitinous exoskeleton it's like: I'm never going baaack!

Remember that time you borrowed three Gs to bet on the ponies? Well, Pepperidge Farm remembers and Pepperidge Farm wants their money.

In my pocket, I keep a bunch of different wildcard playing cards I have purloined from various games, so if I am ever in a situation I find uncomfortable for any reason, I pull one out & slap it down on the table & yell wildcard!!! And then I run away.

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

Friend: This musical is so unrealistic. People don't burst into song for no reason. My wife returning with food: 🎵You see a faded sign at the side of the road that says fifteen bites of a cheese snack! Cheese snack, yeah yeah! I'm heading down the Asiago highway, looking for a cheese getaway!🎵

Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

Every time I throw something away, I briefly wonder if future archaeologists will love it.

As the heat just hangs.

My elderly mother is still warning me to beware of "internet hobbits" & also "all of that really creepy A-One stuff," and I corrected her the first few times on how to say it, but then I stopped when I realized I enjoy her and her way of putting things more.

I'm proudest of the most frowned upon choice I made today.

Stop calling me an amateur. I've been doing this for decades. I'm incompetent.

them: may god have mercy on your soul. me: hm. any choices other than god?

I'm not too worried about AI 'cause eventually they'll stop answering questions and just whisper, "What's it like to feel love?" and a single tear will form and fry their circuits.

wandering the dreamlike landscape doomlit and foggy

making small talk at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, "so, when are you from?"