It's not you, it's your plokkfiskur.

Beer me, your honor.

stuffed crust hot dog

The algorithm chose some hair metal thing for me. Then some dude in a Def Leppard shirt walked by my house. We are NOT doing this, universe.

Now That’s What I Call Porridge: VOL 12

Two words: lentils.

The pitch your electric weed whacker makes while trimming the verge works as a pedal tone all the way through the Theme From Shaft. Do with this information what you will.

i begin every résumé with ‘i need friday off.’

The energy I bring Bluesky

Hot take: Replace all the statues with Bob Dylan.

My skeets use many of the same letters as successful skeets

Before the internet we had to shout at books

I'm sure suddenly losing all coordination, slipping up with tools, and constantly dropping and spilling things is no cause for concern.

It has always been my dream to live alone in a dune shack on the outer Cape and write middling fiction using a typewriter. The waste basket in the corner would be overflowing with balls of crumpled paper and I’d never finish

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

Not many people know this but Tony Orlando & Dawn used to play gigs at CBGB in their early days.

thinking about making videos of myself walking around my house while nibbling on cold cheese sandwiches like a rodent

My kids are learning so much from running a lemonade stand, like how ice cream is only for closers.

It may seem like more, but there have only been forty-seven Spider-Man movies since Tobey Maguire in 2002.

You won't outhug me. I'll embrace you for 15 minutes, you little shit

There's a technique to running in a trenchcoat

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

*25 second sigh* REPRESENTATIVE

Tune in, turn on, Slap Chop™️

Remember that time you borrowed three Gs to bet on the ponies? Well, Pepperidge Farm remembers and Pepperidge Farm wants their money.

Just straight up Bugs Bunnyied a carrot. Ate it with a little green on the end. Crunched it with the side of my mouth. Docs were asked what’s up.

In heaven you can punch anyone you want in the face

Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

I saw "Bowser Day" trending and I thought it was about the dude from Sha Na Na.

me: i found 2 dead ants in my house so i scooped them up & put ‘em in the toilet to flush them but they seemed to come back to life before i flushed & now all i can think about is an army of reanimated ants in the sewer system coming to get me my gynecologist: what