If God wanted peace in the Strait of Hormuz, he wouldn’t have made it the size of a drive-thru lane.

Strait of Hormuz. The only place where “narrow-minded” is a geographic term.

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels great at the time, but in the end, you’re just screwing yourself.

My social battery runs on a car battery that has been dead since I was born.

My favorite conversation starter is “I’m fine.” My favorite conversation ender is also “I’m fine.” That’s my emotional range.

This summer, my favourite hobby is binge-watching the same three sitcoms because these new characters require emotional investment. —I’m tapped out.

My workout plan is lifting the remote from the coffee table to my lap. That’s a solid twelve-inch curl. Three times a day if I’m feeling spunky.

It really is. The time of year when you hate hearing crickets tuning up

I’m just letting your text messages marinate in existential dread until they become a fine wine of anxiety.

IMO if social media had a smell, it would be the smell of stale beer and burnt popcorn.

Nothing says “outdoor fun” like breathing air that tastes like your neighbor’s burnt patio furniture.

This summer it’s been bad. The only thing faster than a scared deer during a forest fire is the insurance adjuster driving the other way.

Smokey Bear’s real message this summer: “Only you can prevent me from having to work overtime, you clumsy marshmallow torchers.”

Friend: I’m in love with a hooker. Me: Did she give you a fake name? Friend: No, it’s Tiffany. Me: That’s worse.

give a man a fish and he'll probably eat it i don't know what else he would do it's one fish bro let it go

My personality is nothing but cheese and pickles at this point.

This skeet is dedicated to the moron who brings a tape measure to a used furniture sale and measures everything except the door it has to fit through.

I’m “virtuous” enough to let my wife have the last slice of pizza. But I will mention it at her funeral.

No cheating post your lock screen.

Cosmic Clau@cosmicclau.bsky.social · 20h ago

No cheating post your lock screen

No cheating post your lock screen.

Cosmic Clau@cosmicclau.bsky.social · 20h ago

No cheating post your lock screen

There are way better reasons to block me besides being on one of those idiotic lists.

Smoking a blunt in a performative way

Just maybe your glory, was in your hole the whole time

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want Hello operator, I’d like to place a Booty call ☎️

Longing for a simpler time when my only worry was, who let the dogs out Woof woof

Did anyone see my needle in a haystack joke?

James Damron@runswindows95.bsky.social · 5d ago

Did anyone see my camouflage joke?

Ever listen to someone’s playlist and wonder what they are going through - cause clearly it’s some shit

I may or may not have gotten out of bed today simply because I remembered there is leftover pizza in the fridge

There is no such thing as easing back from vacation. There is instead more emails, to do items, and tight deadlines waiting for you than you can possibly manage on time.