(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge

I wrote you a poem. It goes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH *coughs blood*

“to __ or not to __ “ - william shakespeare, 🐝 keeper

Lets play hide and not seek each other.

“Right Here Right Now” is my favorite song about being punctual.

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority me: no it doesn’t

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

I don't want a charcuterie board. I want to stand in my kitchen at 10 p.m. & squirt Easy Cheese straight onto my tongue like I'm impersonating a Ritz cracker with bills. Some people have self-respect. I have canned cheese.

Have you tried drinking water about it?

So, I want to tell you all about me, but I don’t want you to know anything about me… Please respond

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

Sexting when I'm hungry like "I want to wrap my legs around you like bacon on a filet mignon."

I could never be batman, for soo many reasons

Choosing the wrong late night snack could ruin your next day

I don't have mood swings, I have genre shifts.

they should make cheeses for when you are sad, cheeses for when you feel like doing 147 math problems in a row, cheeses for when you need a nap, and cheeses for when you’re feeling extra horny

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

I'm at that age that my favorite cover songs are super slow atmospheric versions like you just huffed a rag full of ether and that song happenes to be on the radio, it should take you awhile to figure out what song it is

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

Try and give me a fish, I won’t take it.

I miss his face not looking at it drawing a dick on it

when it comes to marriage, I find the catch and release method the most humane

All I'm saying is there are no donut parasites

(I know that's an old thought but it's been a long day and I'm too tired to have new thoughts.)

I’ll admit I have virtually zero “gaydar” and I’d be clueless if you were super wasted in my living room but I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that Max Miller is a fuckin piece of shit